“Friendships between women, as any woman will tell you, are built of a thousand small kindnesses… swapped back and forth and over again.”
― Michelle Obama
Something Michelle Obama and I have in common (I never thought I’d write that sentence) is how we both seem to believe that our friendships are a KEY ingredient to a good life.
I have had quite the adventure with friendship. (As I’m sure you have)
Here is where I am now.
These incredible women have stayed with me, braved reconnection, weathered all sorts of seasons, and with patience and love, have drawn me out of my solitude into places of safety in my vulnerability.
They are unique individuals with different strengths, sizes, backgrounds, faiths, skin tones, hobbies, communication styles, vocations, locations, relationship statuses, personalities…etc.
They add beauty, laughter, perspective, sincerity and depth to my life. I feel better off because of them. I like when their name pops up on my phone. I daydream about girls trips with them, vacationing to see them, what gifts I might want to send them.
I care about what is happening in their lives.
They are interesting people with interesting thoughts.
As it is true for all humans. A reductionistic few paragraphs cannot fully encapsulate them. But it can introduce, and give insight to the people I share my world with.
If you really are who you hang around, then lucky me to associate regularly with these three.
Friend #1: “the artist” (ambivert)
Imagine: Phoebe from Friends, Luna Lovegood, Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice and Polly from Along Came Polly.
Technically, I’ve known her the longest. We met my first semester of university and I liked her the second I saw her. (It’s true!) She had a quiet mixture of self confidence and social nerves that made her feel familiar and safe. I liked the things she laughed at, and how often she found humor in something. She was a good story teller and an easy hang. People come and go each semester in college dorms, and you accept it as a part of that season of life. But I was sad when she moved away.
We stayed in touch via social media and clapped from the sidelines for each others posted moments.
A few years before my divorce, she private messaged me and proposed that we make an effort to talk more over the phone and become “like actual friends.” I was impressed with her bravery, flattered she wanted to, and completely agreed. The process of reconnection began. It was slow, but the intentions were there for both of us. We “wanted” to be friends with each other. We talked of ways to bridge the gap of living halfway across the country from one another, we understood without saying it much that we were busy with our young children. We didn’t harass or demand time from each other, but we kept the door open.
I was struggling being newly single, and without hesitation she booked a last minute flight to come stay with me after more than 10 years apart.
When I hugged her again at the airport passenger pick up, I was flooded with that warm feeling I knew meant “gold” was present. She is golden.
Since that time, I have seen her be consistently wise. I am picky with advice givers. But I LOVE her advice. She has great perspective and is thoughtful and diplomatic when giving her “take” on a situation. I find that and her inability to be counterfeit with her feelings powerful. I feel like I know where I stand with her. She wouldn’t talk to me if she didn’t want to, so when she does. She means it. She led the path of authenticity when she said: “I want to know how you are upset, frustrated, stressed, sad also! Not just the happy Aubrey!” and she meant it.
She is humble with her shortcomings, and pragmatic about working on them.
We both “go quiet” sometimes, and having another person understand overstimulation and burn out like she does helped me feel like I was “ok” in my same sensitivities to sounds, tastes, temperatures, etc…
Don’t let her soft voice, and calm moments fool you. She can be a party! If the mood is right, she will do the silliest, goofiest, funniest thing and have the whole room laughing.
She is my nature loving, stylish, self aware, imaginative, quirky, eclectic, lovable, tastebud twin who is always down for the “real” real of what is going on.
I like how she “sees” things. I like that she stops in the middle of a Marco Polo to notice and talk about the changing seasons on the trees. I like how she describes what music does to her soul. I like how she words her inner world and shares it with me. It is always interesting hearing what goes on inside her mind.
She feels timeless, and time goes by easy in her company. I wish I had more of it.
Poised and clumsy. Serious and silly. Soft and strong. A walking, adorable paradox. I find her to be magnanimous and endearing. It’s easy to like her and hard not to love her, and I’m fortunate I get to.
Friend #2: “the writer” (extrovert)
Imagine: Anna Kendrick, Hermione (from HP methods of rationality), Dr. Seuss and Mirabel from Encanto.
Something ethereal magnetized us together again a few years ago. We met in college (an accidental theme) and I knew quickly she was sharp as all get out, a hard worker, and a sponge for goodness.
She was someone that I (a mega introvert) wanted to stop and talk with when I ran into her on campus. For all my fellow introverts…let that sink in.
We attended an Ivy League, Division I university with 20,000+ students, and she stood out to me.
Coincidence?
It feels like we are tuned into similar frequencies without telling each other. I think we both have hungry brains, and I like that about her. It helps me feel less lonely.
She is full of passion and dedication to what matters to her, and what matters to her, matters A LOT.
She is competitive and capable. Compassionate and considerate. Feeling and thinking at all times.
And still, somehow, with all that going on inside of her, her presence is not overwhelming.
We had lunch recently in person after years apart, I found myself wanting for more time with her. Her eyes sparkled and I wondered if their might actually be a lightbulb inside that brilliant mind of hers.
I find myself wanting to hear her talk about every topic. I just want to know what she thinks about anything!
I was touched when she first “sat with me” in my sadness. I didn’t realize I needed it at the time, and I didn’t ask for it. But she gave it freely and genuinely. She has since felt with me in my frustration, loved me in my attempts, and listened to me while I stumble through thoughts and feelings. I have felt so seen by her and safe while my emotions raw, and that matters to me a great deal.
I don’t know anyone who gives better feedback than her.
She is an inclusionist. A cycle breaker. A builder. A wordsmith. A craftswoman. A tenacious advocate for her friends, and an incredible mother.
She is so intelligent that it’s exciting.
I daydream about getting coffee or going on walks with her. I think my introvert self would leave the house weekly to spend time with her.
That’s how “full” of the good stuff she is. A quick thinker, a problem solver, a poet and deep diver into the wells of life.
When I talk about her, I feel it right in my heart. When I get a notification from her, I smile.
Bet you wish you knew her now too huh? 🙂
Maybe someday you will. She could easily be a published writer. She is that good. (And I’m picky)
Thank goodness she picked me too.
Friend #3: “the songbird” (introvert)
Imagine: Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec, Anna from Frozen, Molly Weasley, and Luisa (also from Encanto ironically)
I round up when I talk about how long we’ve been friends: “Basically 20 years” I’ll say.
She knows it’s been 15.6 years.
She is almost always this accurate when it comes to anything containing numbers.
i.e. “Hey Aub! I’ll be there around 11:36”
(why she puts the word “around” and then an exact number still amuses me.)
GOSH, we can be so different from each other sometimes…and “that” is part of the fun being friends with her.
From college roommates to now, we. have. been. through. it.
Together.
ALL of it.
(This is a huge summary.)
I talk to her almost every day and have for so long. If we don’t talk, I miss her, but I don’t worry if “we’re ok.”
I feel like I can be any year/make/model of myself in her presence, but I am inspired to be the newest, most improved one simultaneously.
We can chat for hours, and I’m not sure if we’ve finished a single conversation. We can open up jars of topics, leave them on the counter, taste testing a few, or totally consume one depending on our appetite and availability.
It is a continual back and forth with her, it’s own language of sorts that is probably fueled by ADHD.
My ten year old admitted he likes to sit nearby and listen to us talk. What a funny thought.
(And after two whole decades ;)) I have yet to tire of talking to her.
Her exterior is strong, determined, resilient and steady… but at her core, I think she might possibly be made up of sunshine, rainbows and potatoes.
She’s one of those rare people that: “if you have a problem with her, it’s most likely your fault” kind of people. *ask me how I know*
(Just look at the list of characters that represent parts of her) THEY ARE ALL SO FREAKING LIKABLE!
Sure she’s flawed, imperfect and human. but she is a REALLY REALLY REALLY good human.
In her hardest times she doesn’t stop helping others. In her maddest moments, she is basically harmless. (sorry girl but it’s true lol) In her biggest sorrows, she remains considerate and giving. People WANT to be around her. Partly because she is so fun, partly because she is such a good listener, partly because she is safe, partly because of her optimistic energy, and mostly because of all of those things at once.
One of my favorite sounds in the world is her laugh. My youngest inherited this kind of laugh as well and I’m OBSESSED. It is a hearty laugh that fills a room, and invites you to join in the joy with her. She laughs often.
We help each other and keep no tally. We hold no grudges. Time communicating has forged understanding in between the lines. I love/hate how well she knows me because I cannot hide when my tendency to surfaces.
For how kind and good she is, she is the QUEEN of “too soon” jokes and “I can’t believe you said that!” Lines. Sometimes (for fun) I feed her stories and information just to hear her hot take or one liner about it.
Until my partner came along, no one could make me laugh as much or often as she can. Now they rival each other in wit and humor. I am the benefactor of their comedic geniuses. Thank GOODNESS they get along so well. Watching them banter has made the list of the “most joyful moments” of my life.
Because we have stayed in touch so often, for so long, I could say SO much about my songbird best friend. Alas, I promised a few paragraphs of introductions for each, so I’ll keep that promise by wrapping it up.
If I was Meredith grey, she’d be Christina Yang. If I was Thelma, she would be Louise. If I was Frodo, she would be Sam. For all the Elsa in me, she is the Anna we all love and adore.
I can’t see my future with her not in it. I don’t know what that life would look like, but the thought of it feels unbearable. I love her so…
…and then some.
If love was currency. The quality of it I get from these friendships make me a wealthy woman. I know this. I cherish it. I’m thankful for it often.
Who are your people? What can you say about them? How do you feel with your safest, happiest relationships? What kind of friend are you?
With the love that has come in from these three to me, I’m sending it back out to you in hopes you’ll keep passing it on.
Thank you for reading,
-Aubrey.
P.s. You thought “this” was superfluous? I haven’t even BEGUN to tell you about my wife! 😉
“A Cleverly Named Blog” with Aubrey 