“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams
“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”
― Anais Nin
My scheduled process of writing goes as follows.
-Wake up.
-Bye kids.
-Bye wife.
-Alone time mode.
-Take meds. (Thanks genetics)
-Get ready (somedays its make up, somedays it’s deodorant and sweats)
-Do my daily study. (Somedays its a topic, other days its the words of my favorite authors, sometimes it’s that cheesy inspirational stuff. Often, it’s a little of all of those.)
-Bring snacks and emotional support liquids. (I’m happiest with 2-4 options to sip on at a time. It’s weird I know.)
-Sit myself down in front of a beautiful view.
-Put piano music in my ears. (This helps me drown the excess out and helps me focus, while making me feel like I’m in a movie)
-Open laptop.
-Read quotes until I feel something. (Nothing intimidates or inspires me like a great quote. It’s like the literary multivitamin my soul needs daily to operate best.)
-I start typing. (Literally just start writing whatever junk comes out until I hit a groove. Sometimes I don’t, and it’s so frustrating!)
It has become ritualistic, educational and therapeutic. Once I’ve begun typing the “work out” begins. That part is NOT the fun part. Mostly because I am almost always having to face the neurotic parts of my mind that fear and argue fuel.
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That cute assortment of neurotic energy manifest in ways like obsession over the message/topic/story. “Do I know enough to say anything about this?” “Is this genuine or paraphrased regurgitations of my subconscious appetite?”
It can also manifest in doubts about how coherent or concise the piece is. Too little and it may not make sense, too much and interest is lost.
I will find myself staring at sources, re-reading statements, making sure I know the definition of words, weighing out opinions, strong declarative statments, choosing optimal metaphors….etc. If left to that mental whirlpool I’m susceptible to, I will wish I had 1,000 hours to devote to the simplest of topics. (Told ya…. Neurotic)
“BUT WAIT! THERES MORE!”
I learned how to read and write in a very unconventional way, so often, I will have to work through the inferiority complex of grammar, spelling, syntax, and elucidation. I regularly type full paragraphs….and then delete them.
Over and over again. (Can you imagine!)
It is frustrating to spend 2 hours at a keyboard and feel like what is beating inside my chest or running circles in my mind is NOT translating on the page.
Furthermore, My ADHD can really aid in a fragmented, or tangential text, and I can grapple with jealousy over others neurotypical brains that I think can tell a story from start to finish with ease and precision.
*Sample of the inner insanity over*
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All of these “momentum killers” still come with the package of my writing passion. (I hope to become friends with them all, and learn how to glide past them much more efficiently as time goes on.)
That word “passion” is part of the problem you see. Passion is a word ALL about strong and barely controllable feelings. (Look it up! Thats the definition!)
I can be the most daft in attempts to explain or be objective about the things I am passionate about.
i.e. “love is blind.”
For that reason, I can’t see my writing the same way you see it. I just MUST do it because I love it. Liz Gilbert so perfectly says in her book “Big Magic” that any creative endeavor we take on must NEVER be “our baby.” And we must never treat each creative thing as one. We must simply do the thing, because we must do the thing. Period.
I trust her, I love her work, and she has moral authority on the topic so I heed her advice. For now, I get through the part in the beginning where I care too much, and eventually I am able to let go, lean in, listen to my heart beat, and start to really mother freaking write.
That moment of “let go” IS when things begin to line up and flow.
THOSE are the moments I live for. The words become the container I favor most to store the pieces of my soul. Each post a small time capsule, and each year I hope for improvement somewhere.
This is when I LOVE writing. That place where it feels easy, calm, true. I miss it like I would a friend I haven’t spoken with in awhile.
I feel like I “need” it, and I don’t feel that way about many things.
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NOW sweet reader,
What do YOU “need” to do?
What process have you come up with to help facilitate the rewarding parts of it?
What part of YOUR “it” is so rewarding?
Why?
Are you doing “it” despite your fears and failings?
I sure hope so.
It turns out I’m not a robot and am susceptible to horribly crummy writing days on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well as other days of the week! So I will be reframing the goal to fit better now that I’ve tried it on for a few weeks. Two posts a week, and I still must write on Tuesdays and Thursdays (but also every other day too if I want)
Why limit art when authenticity is paramount?
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I’ve accepted that my “it” will never feel finished. I cannot think of a time I posted something and said: “that is IT! I’m done!”
Instead, it’s almost always:
“That’s all I’ve got for todays topic or I’ll be here all week.”
Or “Welp, that covers PART of it at least!”
Or “I can always come back to that later if I need to.”
Or “That felt so nice, I hope others see something in it also!”
If I am going to trust the process I have to trust those that have done it before me. Without giving you pages worth of quotes about writing I’ll just sum it up like Nike has. “JUST DO IT.”
So I do.
And I just did.
Thanks every time you read.
I really mean it.
-Aubrey
“A Cleverly Named Blog” with Aubrey 