“I meant it when I said I didn’t believe in love at first sight. It takes time to really, truly fall for someone. Yet I believe in a moment. A moment when you glimpse the truth within someone, and they glimpse the truth within you. In that moment, you don’t belong to yourself any longer, not completely. Part of you belongs to him; part of him belongs to you. After that, you can’t take it back, no matter how much you want to, no matter how hard you try.”
― Claudia Gray
“Your life does change as you get older,’ she told me. ‘You get into what’s important and what’s not’.”
― Ashton Applewhite
This post feels special. Probably because it’s about her.
This is an excerpt from my private journal that tells the story of the moment we met in real life at the Salt Lake City airport.
I wrote it right after it happened because I KNEW I needed to.
I didn’t want to miss a thing. Document it all Aubrey. Even if it’s just for us. I thought. Here is a part of that entry. (flaws and all)
8/18/22
…I saw her before she saw me and everything in my body changed. I stopped walking. I stared at her long skinny legs curled up in an airport chair. In the outfit I’m SURE she wore on our first FaceTime date. She was beautiful and so feminine. I knew I loved her again. Now in a different way. A way that made her REAL. This is where it got better. (This feeling would happen more and more throughout the weekend. I’m going to coin them as “level ups”) So. Level up moment #1. Seeing her.
Level up moment #2? The whistle. I did the classic “attractive 4 note whistle” and she just knew it was me. I saw her smile, drop her head and shake it like she KNEW it was me whistling at her without having to look up. She was right. I was walking directly towards her. I watched her stand up and when she looked at me it was a TIDAL WAVE of warmth and comfort. She was so grown up and enveloping in her energy. It was so calm and kind. Her sweetness soft and strong. Her personality and energy PERFECTLY matched the digital version of her I had grown to love and know so well.
The hug was both gentle and steady. “I” was not. I was shaking like someone was tasing me. “I” was shaking… the one that was eerily calm on the flight. And SHE was calm. when before meeting “she” was the one texting (OMG. NO. NO. NO. I’m gonna die)
What an unexpected reversal of roles. I looked at her eyes after hugging for only a little and again. (Level up number 3- I knew) My God her eyes. They are layered. Dark grey ish blue ring on the outside which is contrasted by the brightest sea green with one brown freckle swimming in each eye. Her eyes were SO much prettier in real life. Without hardly any words exchanged aside from “you’re real!” she said: “Do you need to go the bathroom? Get a drink? Walk it out?” I think I said: “I need to go the bathroom and then sure to a drink and yes let’s walk it out” so basically just YES. “Lets keep moving”
SO many people in the salt lake airport. I was aware of them without needing to look at them. I was with HER. But we were in the beehive state and it felt like I had swallowed one. She stood out, (queen bee) and was the focal point, but the buzz outside of us and the beating in my heart were competing for my attention and simultaneously stimulating all my senses. She became an anchor as well as the adventure. (Level up 4) We held hands on the way to the bathroom. I was so happy. I kept grabbing her arm while holding her hand. screaming little squeals of “you’re real!” As she smiled and said: “yeah! I am!”
I went to the bathroom, this time knowing she was outside waiting for me. I got to leave and have another take on approaching her just minutes after the first try. (I liked this for me. first impressions are not always my speciality)
but it turns out I was as Aubrey as I was the first go around. Only this time slightly more regulated and much more happy. (I had leveled up 4 times more in love with her in a VERY short amount of time. Of course I was happy!)
She said: “Do you want that drink or to walk it out?” I said: “lets walk this out!” We both knew we were talking about the raging emotions and surges happening. I loved that we walked it out. I asked probably 4 times: “Is it ok I’m holding your hand in public?” She just kept saying: “yes”
We made it to the end of the terminal and there were big glass windows overlooking a back track of airport highway. It was nothing special as far as views go, but we stood side by side looking outwards. (Maybe we were letting all that energy out into our view) It was quiet for a moment and then she pretended to pray “Lord, help us just be normal…” and I said something silly that I can’t remember now. She played along. The banter flowing and the laughs genuine. It was the same kind of banter that was so easy in our communication since day one of knowing her those months before.
A few minutes passed.
“Ok” I said: “Do you want to go back to our gate, sit down and wait for our plane?” This time she said: “one more minute.” I felt calmer knowing she was regulating also next to me. It was only another minute of standing side by side. We cracked a joke about kissing and then said: “NO! Not yet! Not here!” We both agreed but now (level up 5) We were back to our incredibly transparent honesty that I so loved we developed over the last few months over hundreds of hours of video chats.
This is her. This is the woman I love. I felt a settled peaceful blanket lay on my shaky nervous system as I breathed a few deliberately slow breaths into a much more peaceful state of being. The nervous rush had faded. The happiness had not. The love was growing and manifesting in physical form but my switchboard was now at manageable levels. Thank goodness.
Around that moment of “settled” we walked back to some seats near the gate and I was just giddy. Not frantic. Not anxious. Giddy. I started taking in some of the things you just only get in real life. How softly she spoke. How smooth her voice was, how her hair looked in the sun, how she sat in a chair, how soft her hands were, how stylish she was. How congruent she was. How much MORE I was drawn to her now that she was in front of me. It’s only been a day and I don’t remember all we talked about, but I know it wasn’t hard. There was excitement still but it was happy… just happy. A feeling of finally and yes and Thank God and I can’t wait for this weekend played like background music while I was interrupted by thoughts like: Look at her! I love her energy. I love her aura. I love her stillness, steady confidence, honesty and how grown up she is.
Two women in love, in their 30’s, in an airport, meeting for the first time. (Never did I think I’d be one of them.)
Now lets get on the airplane together and fly to Oregon.
Thank goodness we sat by a man in a window who was completely in his own world because we were in ours as well. (We both had an understanding) maybe because of age that we did not need to be all over each other, but at the same time I felt I just had to touch her somehow the WHOLE flight. Make physical contact. Even if it was just our legs while sitting next to each other. Some physical connection to bridge the love that had been sewn through our phones and letters and now. We listened to music together. I leaned my head on her shoulder for a moment. We made each other laugh. We talked effortlessly.
It felt so comforting. I was just loving her company. I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I didn’t feel like I needed to do my classic social anxiety move of “I need to go to the bathroom.” I felt a loop of stay with me, beside me, near me, around me… just stay.
(Level up #6) stay stay stay…
I’ll stop there because I wrote PAGES about the 3 day trip we took together those many months ago.
-Fast Forward-
Last night as we were going to bed and I asked her: “Did you have a happy birthday today?” She smiled that adorable grin I’ve grown so fond of and said: “It was perfect.”
We’ll use the definition I think she meant on that otherwise watered down or misunderstood word “perfect”
Let’s say it means: full or complete.
Because it was. The day was complete AND full. Full of work, responsibilities, kids, laughter, music, conversations, “perfect moments” and love.
I went to sleep smiling. Her next to me. How did I ever not have her next to me? I wondered for the thousandth time. How could I ever write about our story and do it justice?
I woke up this morning and decided the best way to start is usually at the beginning. That’s what this is. An attempt. One worth making.
I loved her then, I loved her yesterday, I loved her this morning, I love her right now, and I’ll love her tomorrow.
Life sure can surprise you. And not all surprises are bad.
Happy 39th to her and thank you for reading.
Per usual.
As best you can, try and take love in today, and give it freely. I’ll be working to do the same.
-Aubrey
*the one on the left*
“A Cleverly Named Blog” with Aubrey 
Truest happy for you. I am, too.
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