Perfect Moments (Jan-Apr 2022)

4-30-22: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but a TikTok video someone sent me today in messages was one of a few perfect moments I felt today. I felt “SO” seen. I paused it. Replayed certain phrases so I could memorize the gorgeous word selection. Then closed my eyes and let it sink into me. I felt so validated. So connected. Via freaking TikTok. Wow.

4-29-22: Two of my sisters are staying the night tonight at my house. My perfect moment happened when they both stood up for me when I incorrectly apologized about something I didn’t have to. I apologized for “talking too much” and without conversing with one another they both shut that unhealthy talk down with such finality and love I was moved. They do the work to get healthier and it shows in times when they put me in my place out of love. They were right. And in that moment. It was perfect love.

4-28-22: Todays perfect moment sounds a little simple, but when you are living with only pigmy sized humans… the hugs feel different. You are the tree and they are the climber. Today I got two REALLY good adult sized hugs. It feels different. and since it’s been a minute since I got a “good” hug, it felt like a perfect moment.

4-27-22: This one feels DEEP for me. I’ll do my best to explain it briefly.
All at once, without warning, my son lost having his dad live with us. While my daughter cried every night for MONTHS, my son got quieter. Obviously this has been on my radar and has inspired some amazing “share your emotions” rituals and therapy breakthroughs for our family. Ok. Now to the perfect part *but that set up matters*
Today while driving the kids to their bi-weekly martial arts class I noticed how Peter was listening to the 5th Harry Potter book. This book is classically known as the “angry Harry/emo” one. Peter was in a trance. He was looking out the window watching the pavement as we drove. I “felt” peter FEELING that book. It is speaking to him. I can see it. He tries to listen to AS MUCH of the series as he possibly can in a day, and that is not an understatement. I’ve never seen him WANT to consume something like these books. I felt VERY connected to him. I remembered when I was around his age doing the same thing. Feeling “big” feelings myself. Escaping into the book and letting it speak to me. Like a journal that reads your feelings to you, instead of you having to write in it. He noticed me noticing him. We made eye contact. He said: “I love this.” And I was convinced. That freaky mom to kid bond is real, and it is powerful. In my eyes, he is perfect, that series is perfectly done, and my love for him felt perfect.

4-26-22: My girls are SO different from each other so when they connect its like MAGIC! Tonight they had this “connection” moment and I was the lucky one witness to it. They were making each other belly laugh. Like REALLY laugh hard. Both of them. It was so pure. It was so silly. It was so effortless for them They had clicked into that sister language and I felt like it was almost “holy” in that moment. That filled my heart SO much. To them it was just pure connection and belly laughs. For me? It was my perfect moment.

4-25-22: Ok universe…I see you. Well played. Today I consumed 3 different random pieces of learning that had a connecting message. I didn’t realize it fully until the last piece though. The first was during a podcast I’ve been enjoying about cults (lol). An off topic comment stood out to me *in that way that something will cause you to listen even if you weren’t paying attention before* The second piece was in a book that I’ve been reading about the agricultural revolution, (it’s fascinating!) and the last (ironically) was my tummy feeling so sick after eating something *after I thought about it* was mentioned in these two media sources! What I’m saying is. I was taught the same thing from an emotional standpoint (in the podcast) a scientific and historical data point (from the book) and then a hands on lesson (from my reaction to that food tonight) ALL IN ONE DAY! 😂 I didn’t have confirmation bias because I wasn’t even aware of the connection UNTIL the last one hit me. It was like “lesson unlocked” and I felt that feeling from the GIF attached when I realized it. Whoa. A perfect sequence of “random events” that led to a PERFECT learning moment.
p.s. no more Taco Bell for awhile… 😉

4-24-22: My kids are back! Which means Reconnection and as Lily coined it months ago: “Sunday Snuggles!” Tonight (I’m not even exaggerating) Charlie (my littlest love). fell. asleep. smiling. I whipped out my camera because I couldn’t believe it myself and wanted to have a record of it. Like what kid is just so happy that they fall asleep smiling to themselves!?! I think she is filled with natural laughing gas, and I am the lucky one who got to witness it. Right before sleep (2 seconds into me recording the smiling closed eyed phase) she adjusted herself to the “sleep place” which for both of my girls, is nuzzled under my sides/arm. They have done this since they were newborns. Peter always slept back turned against me. Not Charlie and Lily. They burrow. Of course 10 min into their deep sleep phase, Lily moved and I wedged myself out of there because my shoulders were getting sore. A price I’ll HAPPILY pay to have their “Sunday snuggles.”

4-23-22: Steamed pot stickers. My favorite way to eat them. In Texas its really rare to find them (not fried)… and today “this foodie” found some. Yum Yum Yum! Every bite was delicious. Perfect texture, flavor and temperature. Lucky me!

4-22-22: I got my first car at 17. That year I started “chasing sunsets.” Finding different places in my small hometown in Texas to watch the sun go down. Last night I was feeling down. I didn’t know what I wanted to eat, “if” I wanted to eat, what to do…etc. I decided to go to the gym. That’ll work up my appetite at least, and it’s good for me. I did a simple work out. I still “wasn’t feeling it.” But right when I was about to head to the locker room, I saw through the giant glass window the sun setting behind some clouds. I stopped in my tracks. Stood there in the middle of the gym. And watched the sun fall behind the clouds slowly. I waited until I could no longer see it. Till there was just a glow behind the skyline. and something magical sparked inside of me. An “alive” feeling I had been wanting all day. Just one beautiful sunset, lasting only minutes.

4-21-22: Charlie was asleep, Peter, Lily and I were in the living room listening to (10 more minutes) of Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix. It was just a good chill, tired vibe. I was finishing a book of my own and peter noticed me struggling over a word. “Mom do you not know that word?” I responded: “I don’t think I do. I’m gonna look it up! It’s a big word!” Peter said: “whoa! That’s the biggest word I’ve ever seen!” So I smiled and said: “you think that’s big! I know the biggest word! I learned it when I was 10!” He loves that kind of info. “What is it mom!” He said excitedly. “Antidisestablishmentarianism” I replied. Feeling pleased with myself. “How many letters is it!?!” I said: “let’s look THAT up!” Seconds later we found out that was now the 3rd largest word in the English language the BIGGEST word was 45 letters long! Something about the absurdity of a word being so long tickled him in a way I rarely get to see with Peter. We laughed and laughed as we tried sounding out the top ten longest words in the English dictionary. It was so funny to us. I needed that moment. I loved every second. P.s. the longest word in the dictionary is: pnumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

4-20-22: I REALLY didn’t want to be sober today. But I was. The end.

4-19-22: I’m back baby!!! I’m back in the gym and I’m doing it MY way! I’m dressing how I want, I’m lifting what I want, I’m doing cardio how I want… and it feels AMAZING! I felt like I was “loving myself” in the gym today. I was HIGHLY aware as I’ve always been of the people around me. Most of them looked AMAZING. Im talking, defined muscles, perfectly matching outfits, strong, attractive. I smiled and thought: “Go you. You worked hard for that.” That’s when it hit me. I’m finally doing this 100% FOR ME. And in that moment it felt perfect. I smiled. Lifting my 5lbs on each side for my triceps because they are THAT underdeveloped right now… but feeling strong in another way. A way that matters WAY more to me. Perfect.

4-18-22: Today at my kids martial arts class the instructor broke down pain. Good pains and bad pains. I wasn’t expecting to be hit by his multifaceted and poignant message but I was. I’ve been thinking about this ever since.

4-17-22: FULL DISCLOSURE. I am “not” feeling my “perfect moment” sappy self right now. But I made a promise to do this so, do this I shall. My perfect moment today was that I stood up for what I didn’t want to do. Which is hard for me sometimes admittedly with certain people. I said: “I love you, but no thank you.” When pushed further I smiled and said: “I love you. No way.” And guess what? I didn’t do that thing I didn’t have to do. I felt strong. I was surprised that I felt strong. It was a kind of “perfect moment” that builds my own self esteem. Those are important ones.

4-16-22: I felt the last 14 months of teachings mean something today. I was placed in a familiar setting from my past, and… I wasn’t that past person. I’m still learning from experiences like todays “what remains” of me and what has gone. I learned something really important for my own self esteem. A quality that remains, of which, I was made to question. Ironically. That moment of realization was my perfect moment. It was simple, but profound.

4-15-22: My littlest love Charlie (2 1/2 yr old) hugged me today… and then patted my back. It was the most grown up feeling hug from the tiniest of my human loves. I love hugs from my babies. But to get a pat from my “baby baby” felt special and sweet. Look at her, I thought… when did she learn how to pat? and how big is the soul trapped in that small package? My guess from that hug alone? REALLY REALLY big.

4-14-22: Who knew staying up late with my son (me laying on the living room floor, him on the couch) would create such a pure moment of connection between him and I. But it did. We’ve been listening to Harry Potter 4 and tonight, just being with him, listening together. Not talking much, But feeling comfortable and safe in each other’s company was a precious feeling. We made eye contact a few times, smiled, or made faces at something “crazy” happening. Then he said with such a happy face: “Mom. Thank you so much. I love this!” And I wanted to respond all mushy (like how I was feeling): “No, thank YOU so much.” I said (more lighthearted like he likes, but just as sincere) instead: “This is fun! Of course honey!” He blew me a kiss and listened until his eyes closed. He is sleeping now. The book has been paused. I am sitting thinking. I have my absolute favorite kind of boy as a son. How PERFECT is “that” alone.

4-13-22: Today I felt the “high” of learning something. I felt my brain being challenged with the simultaneous excitement of reading hypothesis’s and experiments I didn’t know before. I read some studies today and realized how ridiculously grateful I am NOW for studying statistics and critical research in college. Then I realized. I’m grateful for learning about learning better so I can learn more! Some of my favorite classes and credits were the courses that helped me learn and think wider and wiser. Ironic? More like congruent I think. I really REALLY love learning. It feeds my soul. I needed that today. I’m so glad I was able to learn something. (Now to dive deep-that one takes longer than one perfect moment) 😉

4-12-22: Today was rough. I can’t believe I still had a perfect moment. I LOVE that it came in the form of laughter. I guess the “moment” wasn’t perfect, but the reflecting over it later that day gave me more than one good hearty laughs. *I’ll set the scene* I was running inside really quick to grab a drink after getting my kids from school. My girls were still in the running van, music blasting. Peter was inside grabbing his rollerblades for his cousins house. It was just a 15 second departure from van to inside the house. I’m trying to set up the point that all of us were in “our own worlds.” Because what happened next was (again in hindsight hilarious)
Our sweet neighbor from across the street (who is a retired elementary school teacher) came over into the driveway to delivery early Easter bunny chocolates for the kids. None of us saw her. So….. when she “appeared” in the passenger side window… I STRAIGHT UP SCREAMED In her face! Twice in a row! Scaring her probably more than me!
Laughter has always saved me. I’m weirdly so glad something as ridiculous as screaming in my elderly neighbors face happened so I could just laugh at random moments today. Those laugher moments were the perfect ones today. Thank Sorry Connie. 😉

4-11-22: I “love” a good story. Tonight I got one live and unexpectedly. A woman I haven’t met in real life yet, (but have begun to bond with over social media) decided to show us her first journal. She read from it. I was elated! You learn SO much about the kind of child a person was and where the adult is at in relation to that child. It was a perfect moment. I saw so much of “her” still there, I reflected on my inner child. My first journal entry. I shared it to the group. We laughed. It was a phenomenal moment of comrade and connection. Further proving the internet is an amazing thing! ❤️

4-10-22: There is something about my toddler cuddling me that makes me wish I could actually bottle moments to reopen at will. She is such a “compacted” little human. My lap is my 2 1/2 yr old daughters personal recliner. *She is my personal weighted blanket.* It’s symbiotic. I love watching her little hands twiddle her stuffed animals ears. I love the way her hair smells. I love hearing her gibberish as she looks up at me and attempts English. I just loved the whole thing tonight. My sweet girl. What a gift.

4-9-22: If you haven’t tried mango sticky rice yet… RUN. (Dont walk) to your nearest Asian market or Thai restaurant and get some! I’m almost positive I will be eating it for another month or so (5 times a week) until I burn out of my hyper-fixation new food. Its insanely good. The right temperature, flavor, filling, combo…*muah* It really is the little things sometimes. This dessert is a perfect dessert. Eating it was a perfect moment.

4-8-22: My “momma” has never forgotten me. She makes it clear that what relationship she and I formed while I was in that family is independent from my marriage to her son. She loves both of us. She shows it with her actions. Example. It’s my weekend away from my kids. She surprised me with a doordash dinner. Who else has the worlds best “momma?” I’ll wait. ❤️🥲

4-7-22: Last night after a less than ideal day of child mom relations I said “goodnight babies! I love you” Peter then came around the corner and said: “goodnight mom. You’re a sweet mom.” It was so simple. It was so sincere. It meant so much. Sometimes just being slightly more specific can really cut through the defenses and pierce us right it the feels. It did tonight. And it was a perfect moment for me 🙂

4-6-22: In a serious moment today someone said something that was so jarring I just started laughing. I couldn’t hold it in. I couldn’t stop. Which turned the moment from serious and sincere to non stop, stomach hurting laughter together. THAT is a special kind of laughter. A absolutely perfect moment.

4-5-22: tonight I did SUCH an “Aubrey at 14” thing. I went out to the driveway and just paced around while talking on the phone. I felt so fully me in that moment. I used to walk the driveway as a kid growing up. I just love fresh night air. It was perfect. I’ll be doing more of that now 🙂

4-4-22: Today. My perfect moment… was you. there were so many sincere words shared today with me. I’m honestly just sitting in it. Soaking it in. I’m gonna come clean…after that last article I wrote and published, I’ve been checking my dang phone all day. I’ve felt very exposed and the more neurotic me was twiddling my thumbs in anticipation today. For what? I don’t know really. But some of y’all really eased the pressure when you took the time to just “like, love, message” something kind. It buoyed me above my own turbulent waters. One in particular was so humbling to read it made all the nervousness turn to peace. Thank YOU. Today, you were my perfect moment.

4-3-22: Connection. When you feel it. You “feel” it. Ok. That sounded dumber than I intended. I’m a single momma and over the last year any “real” connection to a human has felt kind of like a present for my heart. I had a really good connection tonight. After a long day of heavy emotional processing I was lifted in a real way because of just a phone call. A feeling of “real” connection. It does the soul and body SO good. There were a few moments I felt my love bank recharging faster than at my own pace. I guess the neuroscience is true. Humans NEED connection to have a fulfilled life. I felt it. I “felt” it. 😉

4-2-22: Today was a kind of heaven for me. Outside all day, kids in the wild… (where they belong) Cheering on my son doing something he loves to do. That is a GOOD Saturday. My perfect moment though was after we were all home from our day in the sun. We sat in the living room, sunburnt and satisfied. We could feel it on each other. The happiness of a day of adventure and outdoors. We all just chit chatted for a bit in that state of fulfillment. It was SO good for us. And this couch felt SOOOOO much better than normal. That shower felt so much better than normal. The dinner tasted better even! I assume sleep will come easily tonight as well. What a good day. A sunny Saturday with a perfect moment of family connection to end it.

4-1-22: Ok guys. This is a simple one. *but like honestly* SO REAL. Lol My sister came to visit for the weekend and when she hugged me she smelt SOOOOO good! Lol It rubbed off on my hoodie I was wearing and I am just like: man! What is this cologne she is wearing! It smells amazing! I am a SUCKER for a good smell. This might be one of my favs I’ve ever smelt. Making the moment… PERFECT lol

3-31-22: This was me over and over again today. I read so many things that made me actually laugh OUT-LOUD. We text/type “lol” to almost validate that something is in fact funny, but let’s be real… how many times are you REALLY out-loud laughing? Today. I actually did and it felt really good. A few times. Perfect.

3-30-22: FINALLY! It only took some “down days” and a lot of recouping, rest and chipping away, to feel one of my FAVORITE feelings. *strong statement* Its called flow state. It is HIGHLY satisfying. When I get into flow state I am almost ALWAYS writing. It is that feeling of PURE focus and inspiration colliding together to create something that wasn’t there before. It runs out of my hands and feeds my soul with joy. I missed it. I still went through the motions of *how to live healthy* the last week or so, but I was feeling “down down down” and then… switch! “I’m back baby!” What a freaking free gift from the universe! I was feeling like Christmas morning inside! Perfect moment for sure!

3-29-22: I had to tell a dear friend of mine “hard” news. I anguished over this news for over a day. I decided to just show up completely honest and considerate. Full of transparency and love. I told her the hard things and her response was confirmation to me why my gut said: “be her friend.” She just responded with SUCH emotional intelligence. Thoughtfulness, reciprocal impact and validated like a professional! I was BLOWN away at the amount of love and LOYALTY she showed for honesty. I watched her honoring “her” gut and responding so well. I was like. Wow. This could have gone so many ways. I’m SO glad it went the best possible way, for an otherwise hard situation.

3-28-22: Tonight I decided to just say yes each time the kids asked for more little peppermints after dinner. I knew they would end up eating like 5-8 total… but they would FEEL like: “another one!?! WOW MOM! What is going on here!” It was so freaking cute to watch them light up over silly little mints. Lily said: “I cant believe this! Another one Peter! She said yes again!” I just laughed and thought to myself… *sometimes* parenting is fun. 😉

3-27-22: THEY ARE BACK! The babies went away for 4 whole days (the longest stretch yet) and the reuniting hugs were perfection. My boy held me the longest. My middle one kissed my cheeks the most, and my baby girl laughed and said: “momma!” As she ran towards me. I mean. Come on. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I SO loved having them home again.

3-26-22: I cried and cried and cried and cried today. TMI? You didn’t come here for that? Well “oops, I’m human.” Humans leak. I was reminded of a powerful thing. To be able to have an outlet where you can cry, and then feel safe and loved during and after the cry. There are “lots” of kinds of cries. Today I did a variety. Why today? I go lots and lots of days without crying. And then today. Multiple types of cries? Interesting.
The perfect part rested in the feeling loved, even while I was a “mess.” It’s a vulnerable thing. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a human thing. Humans leak. How strange. How absolutely normal.

3-25-22: When a movie MOVES you, it feels so good! So often we seek to feel alive. How ironic a movie about existing after death would evoke that again. This was cinematic voyeurism at its finest. And I never thought I’d feel so much compassion for a ghost. Lol there was a part in the movie where the ghost finally accomplishes it’s purpose. It was powerful. How long love can last. How strong love can be. A reminder to keep believing in it. A perfect reminder. So sweet. So artsy. Good ingredients for a person like me 😉

3-24-22: I got to go to Austin with one of my good friends from out of town. We watched John Mulaney do his newest stand up hour. The perfect moment part for me? I was laughing with thousands of people together tonight. There was a moment when I sat back. Just for 5 seconds or so. And I soaked in all the laughter. I stayed quiet on purpose. I wanted to hear it coming full surround sound style. It was mesmerizing. All those people. All LAUGHING together. Laughter is a powerful thing. Feeling, hearing thousands laugh together? Next level. I LOVED it.

3-23-22: this was a more somber one today. I’ll tell you why it was perfect though. I’m still actively unpacking my marriage (almost divorce) of the last 10 years. Somedays during this unpacking I learn things that give me clarity. The clarity is like getting more sunshine to beam through something foggy in your life. I welcome this clarity. I will pay the cost of searching, patient feeling, open minded receiving and honest accountability. I learned something strongly today. I felt clarity. And that clarity brought about the freaking genuine perfect moment feeling. Even if it seems a little odd. It was one.

3-22-22: I mowed the lawn today! Its been months since I’ve needed to. It felt AMAZING. I’ve been mowing since I was 10. I mowed all throughout my marriage. Its cathartic. The smell of the fresh cut grass, the zone out activity so my brain can go other places, and the visual reward for a job well done. I was making a final pass and the wind blew. I paused mowing and just let the wind blow. I closed my eyes and breathed it all in. It was kind of spiritual to be honest. I felt really peaceful. Like REALLY peaceful for just a moment. It was perfect.

3-21-22: I fell asleep without ANY wind down! Do you know how RARE that is!?! *rhetorical Q obviously* I was woken up at “who knows when” by my son saying “who knows what” because I was also sleeping so hard that when the exchange was over, I went right back to sleep. Again. No wind down! It was so peaceful falling asleep. Is this how others do it?!? I wondered to myself when I awoke finally at 5:15 am on my own accord. My son sleeping in my reading chair 8 ft away. So that’s what he asked for. And now I lay here. Back to my brain. But so grateful for the break from it last night! 😅

3-20-22: All it took was ONE amazing cookie today. This month I’ve been something of a “Cookie Monster.” I have these phases. Where I hit a food pretty regularly till I get it out of my system. Some months its seaweed, some months it’s a cheese, or food prepared a certain way… I know. Its strange. But this month? CRUMBL COOKIES. (Particularly the pink frosted sugar cookie) It is a freaking PERFECT cookie. I had been holding off for DAYS before indulging. So when I bit into that cookie today… it was divine. I took my time. I enjoyed it. It was worth EVERY calorie. Yum. (Here’s to hoping next food craving is healthier ;))

3-19-22: Charlie (my 2 yr old) has been doing this thing lately where she fake laughs to join in when us older ones are laughing. Tonight at dinner, we were all done with the laugh. She wasn’t. She kept fake laughing. Which made us start laughing. Which kept her laughing. Which made us laugh…. It was a REALLY good perfect moment. Simple…but perfect.

3-18-22: What is it about a love letter that is so entirely romantic? Like if there was a scale of romance. Love letter? 10 out of 10 romantic. Under one condition. The writer actually “feels” what they are writing. Feelings travel through words. I don’t know how. I don’t need to. It is just true. Tonight I watched a movie about it (no not the notebook) Afterwards, I had to go an find the actual love letters between the two characters in real life. I read love letters between two people who REALLY meant what they said. You could feel it. I felt it. I am a believer of Love. I think it cures and saves, lifts and connects, exposes and envelopes. It’s an incredible thing. Even experiencing it as a third party reader today it felt perfect.

3-17-22: Humans experience; rushes, chemical reactions, flooding of feelings, or as I call them regularly…“Whooshes.” Which Kind do we label the perfect kind? What separates a good “whoosh” from a bad “whoosh?” (I have some theories) but this part of the site isn’t for that is it? I felt so many “good whooshes” today. “Whoosh” of freedom and inhibition while the wind was blowing in my hair, arm out the window, singing a song by Pink. The sound of a loved ones voice answering the phone “whoosh” of I am not alone, and I am loved. Words I read today that caused a “whoosh” like supernatural letters strewn together to transfix me. All perfect moment level “whooshes.” All reminders that I am alive. A human being full of variables. Highs and lows. Peaks and valleys. Stillness and “whooshes.” How amazing. My perfect moments today were in the “whooshes.”

3-16-22: I needed a friend today. My friend SHOWED UP for me. She listened, mirrored back to show she understood, asked questions, asked how she could help *I really only needed to talk* then made me laugh and reminded me who I was. “Go write about it Aubrey.” So I did. Talk about CATHARTIC. I wrote a lot today that isn’t published. What was my perfect moment from all of this? When I realized towards the end of the call that I have someone I want to call because for over a decade they have just been the best G.D. Friend there ever was. I started heavy, I left the call feeling supported and thankful. What a good call. (Literally) 😉

3-15-22: I felt calm, centered, and peaceful around my husband today! (He’s still technically my husband) it turns out getting a divorce during a pandemic can be a P.R.O.C.E.S.S. (That’s just to give some context) but ok, I was able to freaking feel strong, and “me,” and full of love for him (appropriately so.) today!!! Yay! This isn’t the first time I’ve been able to do this since the split, but it’s been happening more and more, and I’m SO GLAD! I got in the car and went: “yessssss” inside and smiled outside as I waved bye to him, with all the babies loaded up going home with me. Wild.

3-14-22: I’ve learned that perfect moments sometimes happen in the exact opposite moment of a hard one. This was true today. It’s 3 in the morning and I am joined by my little campers with: “mom! We’re so cold! Can we sleep with you!” We were a shivering little trio. I was touched how quickly my two fell back asleep, snuggling on each side of me. I could not sleep though. What time is it? It feels a lot colder than the forecast said it’d be. My back is hurting. Lily keeps moving and letting cold air in. Peters breathing on my neck. How much longer can I stay still? I have to pee so badly! What if it’s only midnight? My phone is dead. It must’ve died hours ago while we were listening to our family audiobook. *just a sampling of my thoughts* Here comes the perfect moment. Because I was miserable up until I realized. I have a van. We were prepared for 50 degree nights as the forecasts said. We were not prepared for 20 degree cold, which is what we found ourselves in. 😂 It only took 15 min and all of us were laughing and smiling inside a perfectly warm car. We laughed the whole time we were getting out of the tent and into the car. Ahhhh…. Perfect moment for multiple reasons. Never thought I’d say this but: “Thank god for minivans” 😘

3-13-22: There is something about a campfire. How long has it been since you sat around one? Tonight I decided my answer was “too long.” The conversation, laughs and magic surrounding us while around the campfire tonight created 3 or 4 absolutely perfect moments. There was one in particular I want to remember. It felt like it was happening in slow motion. The sweetest sight. My kids and I all laughing together at a silly face game we were playing. It helps to make silly faces when you are eating campfire hot dogs. I’m telling you. It was a movie scene. I had to make this trip happen. It took a lot of effort. That 1 moment made it all worth it already.

3-12-22: There was a moment today while I was listening to an interview where someone told “my secret” out loud. It was “their” experience also. What? How? That was mine? I felt so seen that I literally stopped what I was doing…thought to myself. “No way.” So naturally I had to listen to it 3 more times just to make sure. *lol* I’m learning everyday. It was like freaking real life magic “take your breath away” kind of confirmation. It was so true. That kind of true that pierces your core. It felt amazing.

3-11-22: TODAY WAS A GOOD ONE! Why? It lasted! The last like 10 on here have only been a few seconds or less. This one lasted minutes. MINUTES. Which in “perfect moment world” Is a LONG time. A lot of happy moments (with few down ones) led to this perfect one. I think that sometimes makes for a longer lasting perfect moment. Like the good ones prime your perfect moment engine up or something. It was “post movie and fun night cuddles and laughs with kids.” I’m not kidding when I tell you that the absolute MAGIC I felt while I pressed my cheek to each one of their cheeks while we were laughing was NEXT LEVEL. Oh man. These are the ones that really sustain me for a while. I wanna bottle this one up and open it regularly. I’m SO freaking glad this one lasted longer. Perfect timing perfect moment. Thanks 😉

3-10-22: I found it! The music to a song I’ve been wanting to play on the piano. I’m rusty because it’s been years, but I was so excited to be able to play it. It’s a beautiful piece. My goal is to make it sound beautiful when I play it. But finding it today was a perfect moment. Now time to practice 🤓

3-9-22: “serendipity” is the word I would choose to describe the learning path I’ve been on this year. Today 4 books came in the mail. 2 I’ve read digitally. 2 I knew I needed to read. I made it to the second paragraph of a new book and was hit with that “whoosh” feeling of joy. A serendipitous addition to my souls yearnings! ANOTHER piece of gold! When I find books of this caliber I go get my noise cancelling headphones, *turn the piano music on* a pen, snacks and a few beverages, because I know I’ll be there awhile! The excitement I feel is next level. It was a perfect moment. A powerful moment. A moment of joy and gratitude in between the lines of another golden piece of literature.

3-8-22: My bed is my favorite place to be. I crafted my room piece by piece to be my sanctuary from the bright, loud, uncomfortable world. It is my refuge. However, I am also a single mom. Which means. I rarely just sit with a candle and a book at night while the kids are asleep, because most of the time they are placed like a game of human Tetris on my bed. I’m not complaining. Well not tonight. Tonight I have my girls with me. Cuddling each other. A space left just big enough for me. Their perfect little faces. The way one wraps her arm unconsciously around the other. The even pace breathing. The smell of their kids soap lingering from bath time. Onesie pajamas. Maybe tonight, after this incredibly long day I’ll get woken up with a bad dream or a little foot in the face… but somehow this is still my sanctuary. Put together in pieces. Just the way my heart needs it.

3-7-22: I swear I’ve been sick since October… and on sick days I usually feel a lot less “myself.” Just that foggy floating version of me that is almost just my shell with emotions and Neanderthal level thoughts. I kept it simple. Bath and drink water after a long day. Something about that little self care brought about this moment where I just felt my “mojo” a little bit again. I felt sick minutes after getting out of the bath, but sometimes all you need is even just a small REAL rush of a perfect feeling-to help your low not be as low when the rush fades. It’s the little things a lot of times. Tonight was no different.

3-6-22: “birds of a feather, flock together.” This feels true now that I’m creating new relationships and getting to know people and establishing friendships and connections. Finding this unique “flock” has been one of the most fulfilling things in my life. Who knew everything would have to crumble to build a more true life? Piece by piece. Some days are arduous and exhausting (ok most days are exhausting) and somedays are inspiring. Tonight a 4 hour video call felt like 40 min and years all at the same time. There are some seriously wonderful people out there. How perfect to get off the call and feel….BETTER than before the conversation. This is pretty rare for me (historically speaking) so it was a victory for sure! Many perfect moments in a 4 hour call. Lucky me!

3-5-22: I watched a movie with someone, but not “with” them. They were states away and the movie was “Silver Linings Playbook.” I hadn’t seen it before, but it struck up a conversation after the movie was over about mental health. (The movie was so well done) I opened up about my history in a short timeline of mental health. How it looked in my family of origin, in my marriage, but mostly in me. I don’t like being another talking head for “suffering with depression/anxiety” I don’t like how those words strung together create such a strong image in peoples minds. Those who “struggle publicly” are a type, I feel I am another type. I don’t want to be “known” for my fight with depression and anxiety. I want to be seen for being “more” than that. Anyway. After *dumping* the timeline, it was received with such gentleness, such understanding, and such gratitude to me for showing some trust… I felt that magical feeling start sparkling inside of me. Whoa. I was open. I was vulnerable. It wasn’t forced. I told the truth. They witnessed it. They didn’t react. They responded. Not only did they respond. They did it with consistency, patience, curiosity, gratitude, gentleness, kindness and from a place of love. A perfect exchange. I wish everyone would respond to the vulnerable parts of us as well as this person did for me tonight. It’s kind of overwhelming. But also, kind of perfect. Lucky me to have had an exchange with someone like that.

3-4-22: Every other Friday I take my kids to their dads house to spend the weekend together. Today after I dropped my youngest off, I came home excited to write and clean the house. I sat down in my writing chair…and woke up HOURS later. Wow. That is what life without children is like. Falling asleep and waking up when your body tells you to. What a concept. What a beautiful experience. What a perfect allotment of time. Waking up “on my own” for the first time in weeks was my perfect moment.

3-3-22: When’s the last time you rolled your windows down, turned music up and drove? It was almost sunset, the kids and I were coming home from playing with cousins and the weather was so nice I didn’t want to stop feeling it. I looked back in the rear view mirror and saw all three of my kids in their own worlds totally soaking up the music, the sunset and the windows down. One was singing her loudest (hair everywhere) one was looking up at the sky bobbing her head to the beat, smiling. The other, singing along with his hand out the window catching air and testing resistance. I saw them and I felt the magic of being a child. So I sang along also, put my hand out, and looked at the sky right along side them. All together. In our own little perfect worlds. Enjoying the music, the breeze and the company.

3-2-22: Finally! My kids are getting fun to play board games with! I’ve joked for years that I’m good with young kids but I enjoy older ones more. Another milestone AND perfect moment happened playing splendor with my son Peter. Perfect moments usually happen when all the sudden you are outside of yourself watching and observing what’s happening and then soaking up all the love that comes from what you see. I saw my son and I playing a game together, totally present with each other, happy… perfectly happy.

3-1-22: a dear dear friend of mine took time out of her night to Marco Polo me a message that I was NOT expecting. She possesses the triple threat. Pure love, intelligence and a way with words. She let me know she’s been reading this blog regularly and that it was like “sprinkles of Aubrey” but then she corrected herself real time and said: “but like nutrient dense sprinkles.” I don’t think I’ll ever forget that phrase. Or how it made me feel. To be seen. To be loved. To be told both of those things? Wow. Talk about perfect moment.

2-28-22: As ridiculous as motherhood is. I’m obsessed with my daughters sister relationship. My sisters were my first friends. They are my longest friends. I walked in on my two girls sleeping together and it took my breath away. My chest got warm. I stared at their beautiful sister features they share. I marveled at the extreme differences they have from each other. I really don’t understand how they are my girls. Wow. That love that hit me in waves watching them sleep was a perfect moment.

2-27-22: I’m a believer in the child’s book that talks about how there are invisible strings of love that connect us, no matter the distance. If love has been formed. A connection exists. The string is there. Some relationships of mine are 15 years strong of string after string wound into a rope that tethers me to reality. Others are new string. All hold the connection for the current of love to flow through. I felt it today. Someone far away took time to love me. I felt the love. No. Like I “felt” the love. It was so genuine you couldn’t deny it was love. It hit me in that soft place of mine that so longs to be loved daily by another. I felt like my soul was flying, but my body was still. Vibrating from their tug on the invisible string that connects us. I “felt” it. and “Feeling” it was a perfect moment.

2-26-22: Its only taken me my whole life to gather such a freaking avenger squad level “people.” But gosh darn it am I so effing grateful for them. Texts, funny memes, phone calls, dinners, hang outs, trips, memories, gifts, shows, food, marco polos… whatever the things that connect us. I feel it. I might be physically alone. But I’m not. Some of my people made that clear to me today. In various ways. Various perfect moments brought “to” me via their awesomeness. Too many to choose one.

2-25-22: After a really good game of Settlers with my two oldest kids on “Friday funday” I was feeling some cereal. Trix to be exact. But then I noticed it. I was so “in” the moments with them playing the game, that I didn’t see how beautiful it was- what we were doing. I thought to myself. “I’m staying up late with my 8 and 6 year old and we are all just being silly and carefree and happy together.” We are together. We are happy. We are happy together. I started to get that welling feeling and then they both said: “I’m gonna get some Trix also mom!” Now I’m sitting in the pocket of the “watcher” and experiencer of the moment. Seeing their sweet little childlike happy selves spending time with me. Happy to be doing so. They sing a song. Mess up the words. We laugh. I am perfectly happy. Just eating a bowl of cereal with my kids late on a Friday night. I love them so much it hurts.

2-24-22: I watched a young Russian man walk the streets of St. Petersburg in quiet protest with thousands of other Russian citizens- opposing the war against Ukraine. I was fixated on him. On how sharp he seemed. How good he was doing at communicating without breaking any law specifically. The perfect moment happened when he organically took pause from explaining the “No war!” Chant in the background and he said this: “I want to show you for a moment how beautiful it is here. Look.” *he panned the camera around the square* and he was right. It was gorgeous. The architecture of those buildings, the wet shine on the sidewalk, lit by street lamps… in the midst of literal war. This self made journalist found beauty and truth. I had a feeling wash over me that goodness lives everywhere. No darkness can overpower a single light. He was a light today for me. To remind me how good people there are out there. Everywhere. ❤️

2-23-22: This might be a weird place to say this but my best friend and I play a game called: “whose life sucks more.” I think it is a hilarious coping mechanism to handle some of the harder things in life. Spoiler alert. I am not always sunshine and rainbows, and “too soon”, dark or morbid humor is sometimes my favorite thing. I “seek” perfect moments and write them down because my insides can be a “midnight blue” place if left to themselves too long. Today. Midday, I got a text from my best friend. I was just so freaking proud of her. She and I are SO different from each other, but even at some of the hardest times she has always been a good person, and there for me. Realizing how freaking lucky I am to have someone who can be dark and funny, real and ridiculous, and light and lifting gave me this feeling of. “Dang. I have the best best friend.” In that moment of appreciation. I felt completely thankful. Like my life didn’t suck at all. Like I had everything I needed just because I had such a perfect for me best friend.

2-22-22: My perfect moment was as simple as the PERFECT tasting ice coffee. I had been feeling off my game all morning then I took a sip of a new iced coffee and “whoosh! That’s amazing.” It made me forget how I was feeling a little stressed and sad, how I was aching, and had loads of things to get done. That coffee was so good today, it made me enjoy it. Thanks coffee. You’re always there for me. 😉

2-21-22: Tonight my daughter Lily came in to the room upset about having to say goodnight. Instead of joining in on the frustration she brought with her I felt prompted to just hug her, hold her and listen to her while twirling her hair. She is getting so big. I love that shes growing up. I’ve loved her this whole time. These were the thoughts filling in my mind, and it felt like with each thought, her shoulders dropped a little more, her heartbeat slowed, and in no time she was asleep in my arms. I kept holding her, enjoying her at peace. Sometimes all we need is a good hug.

2-20-22: Today was a very good day. I had QUITE A LOT of perfect moments. Days like this I stay grateful. I know they don’t happen all the time. The perfect moment I choose to keep is when I stepped outside and the sky was perfectly overcast. Overcast skies do some seriously cool color enhancement to things that are green. Have you ever noticed this? The air was fresh. The sky was overcast. The breeze was light. The greens were all popping. So I just stood there for a second. Really BREATHED it in. And it was perfect.

2-19-22: I have cried ALL the types of tears by now. *I might talk about this topic in a post someday* but today. My perfect moment was that I cried love tears. Healing tears. Happy tears. “I thought that was never gonna happen” tears. When will I ever learn I thought to myself while feeling SO hopeful for the first time… in a VERY long time, that I began leaking… “this” is why you keep going Aubrey. This is why. Love. What a perfect. Exhausting moment. *crying makes me tired* 😉

2-18-22: Today I was able to do one of my favorite things in this world! I was able to write in flow state. Look it up! It’s amazing! The perfect moments sometimes come after grueling and arduous ones. Todays was like that. I kept pushing through writers block, letting myself write in just fragments of lines if thats all I could come up with for a topic on my mind. And then? Things started clicking. It’s like not even being in your body when this happens. At the same time though your focus is so singular that senses are heightened and the word “flow” is what your experiencing. Everything working together. It felt great. I’m so happy I had that little bit of flow feeling today. It’s one of the feelings I live for. 🙂

2-17-22: Eyes. Easily my favorite feature on a person. That expression that they are the window to the soul? I SO agree. I think eyes are like the grand painting on a face. Its the “work of art” painting- where if you look closer and examine them, you will find a whole universe of meaning, of life, of that unique person. My perfect moment was being able to see into eyes that I just FELT were kind, good, warm, safe, loving… and experience it. What a gift. To look into what someone else who isn’t paying attention would call just another pair of eyes and experience (in pure form) those words above… without even using words. Perfect.

2-16-22: Last night I let my “hard day” be seen by someone (who in my gut) I trust so much. This morning I woke up to an early text message from them saying effectively: “I’m manifesting this kind of day for you: a day of kindness in, *good* rest/sleep, a healthy level of stress, and time to return to yourself through listening, reading, and feeing that heart and brain of yours. I know how hangry they get. No substantial response necessary. Just wanted to say good morning, and for you to know how much I mean it.”I read that and was like: Wow. To be loved in such an unselfish way is SUCH a freaking gift. I felt grateful, like a cup of light got dumped in me, and I was ready to take on the morning of getting kids up and ready and off to school. It was the perfect moment, and it happened RIGHT when I woke up today. Pretty rare.

2-15-22: During a sunny, windy, barefoot sidewalk stroll around the neighborhood with my girl, I felt it. We both stopped talking but she insisted we still hold hands. A minute or so into the silence she slowed down and looked up at me with those wonder filled eyes full of life, love, hope, beauty… smiled SO big at me and kept walking. A small slice of heaven in just that moment. I felt it in my chest, and suddenly everything was ok. Just for a moment. One perfect moment. To be her mom is a freaking gift. She is pure gold.

2-14-22: I ate “handcrafted, yummy, fancy” chocolate tonight while watching a movie I had never seen and had wanted to. I was texting and eating and watching all at the same time. I looked at myself (birds eye perspective) on how good my life was in that moment. To be able to be doing all 3 things at once, and all without having to wear a bra! What a time to be alive! It was a perfect moment. Every now and then. Get the “good chocolate.” It’s SO worth it.

2-13-22: “How does a moment last forever? How can a story never die? It is Love you must hold onto. Never easy. But we try.” The lyrics to this song CAPTURED my soul today. It always comes back to love. Love, or the lack of Love, are the two most important forces in this universe. It felt like an “ah hah!” Moment for me as this song played during the credits of the live action Beauty and the Beast. It. Life. Existence. Purpose. Meaning. All of “it” is ALWAYS about Love. Love lives past us, it has been before us. It never dies. It transfers and transforms. This whole song was like one big poem to my soul. *sidebar* It is also sung by one of my childhood heroes. The incomparable Celine Dion. So… you know. Perfect moment.

2-12-22: Public writing is an interesting thing. If only I could tell you reader about “all” of the details of “all” my perfect moments, but to be frank, that would be… invasive (for lack of better words.) 😉 I guess it’s a good reminder that “living” the perfect moment is FAR more important than reporting the perfect moment to perfect strangers 😉 Alas, I’ll do my best with this one. My perfect moment was being able to be my TRUE and authentic self. (No obsessing over how I “looked,” worrying if I was talking too much, not enough, and being able to share what was truly on my heart and mind without censorship in the moment. All the while, I was able to feel so seen and so safe. I have craved this feeling only my WHOLE life. So to even get a glimpse of what it is like to feel so accepted and “ok” being myself… was a combination of perfect moments that stem from a very deep inner part of me. I’m still trying to make sense of it. But thats the thing about perfect moments. They take you “out” of your mind and into your whole being. EVERYTHING is present in those moments. And it is like feeling “real life magic”. Be honest. Be yourselves. Those who love and accept “you” will surface in the most unexpected ways. Be ok with losing those who do not accept you. You’ll have MORE perfect moments living honestly. You’ll be more open. You’ll be happier. *speaking from experience*

2-11-22: Something was in the water tonight because Charlie was “wired” when normally she is the easiest kid to get to sleep in the family. *truly, my daughter* not tonight. Tonight she was just “awake” and there were many sweet moments where she had me laughing, but the favorite. The “perfect” one was when she took my headphones and put them on. (I was listening to Eckhart Tolle: “The Power of Now”) and in her language mimic phase of life she decides to try and mimic his very thick European accented voice. It was the cutest and funniest thing. She was impersonating in toddler babble one of the most credited spiritual gurus of this century. It was a combination of the juxtaposition of those elements, sleep deprivation on both ends, and her sweet, silly little self where in that moment I just felt that word “joy” personified in my girl. And it was beautiful. And it was perfect. And it was just a moment. Like they always are. But I was glad to be there for it.

2-10-22: It started with me being perfectly warm, snuggled up on the couch, snacks eaten, movie watched, children sleeping, texting those I love… So I did what I’ve done since I was a child. I went outside to the driveway and looked up. That cool crisp winter air. The cold concrete on my warm feet. And I just stood there in silence. Looking up at the sky. Just breathing in the moment. EVERYTHING felt ok. It really did. For that moment. It did. I like to stay out there getting all that fresh crisp air in my lungs till I’m uncomfortably cold again, so when I go back inside to that warm yellow glow of my home at night it is another perfect moment. Warmth. Glow. Relief from the wild.

2-09-22: At dinner tonight Peter came up as I was getting the girls water and gave me the most gentle, genuine hug. It took me out of my brain and right into love. He gives the “BEST” hugs.

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