Perfect Moments (August-October 2022)

8-1-22: I typed “reassurance” in the search bar for todays GIF selection to accompany my perfect moment and the text was a little “too” spot on. Just change the “he” to a “she” and it has me pegged. I’m usually pretty resilient, but I’ve found something I cannot fathom losing already. Wild. Big. New. Whoo. Tonight’s reassurance I was so gently given was exactly the secret sauce I needed to get me to the place where I could feel a perfect moment feeling. I’m told “you are soft” when I am feeling it. It’s true. I like being soft. It felt perfect. I felt so thankful.

8-2-22: It was a happy day that ended with a family camp out in “moms room.” There is something extra sweet about their happiness before they fall asleep all together. I almost always just witness the process while I have a million thoughts about them. It’s a time I sit with the feelings of love for them while they peacefully sleep. Tonight felt extra precious for some reason as I heard them all saying their final “I love you, goodnight” to each other. What a kind group of humans. What a lucky mom I am. What a perfect moment that was.

8-3-22: Her.

8-4-22: The day you tell “your secret” is always a big day. Walking in truth is the scariest and most profound way to live. I say that strong statement because I have a lifetime of comparison with living truthfully or not to be pretty definitive about this claim. I’ve been more and more “exposed” in my truth. First with myself, then with a select few, then branch out to the easiest loved ones, then strangers (because if they reject you it feels easier somehow) and finally (everyone else) I’m right at the door of (everyone else) and I feel the freedom of the other side. Walking into that place changes everything. I think that’s why they call it a “closet.” It’s a storage place in the home, not the place for living. I’m letting ALL of my heart live in the rest of the home spaces of my life. Little by little. And each time I feel all of the fear, AND an expansion of love. Bigger than my body. Truth. Love. These are powerful elements to create perfect moments. I have been having SO many pure ones lately. I am at the door. Time to turn the handle. Wish me luck ❤️

8-5-22: My son was sick today and stayed home with me while his sisters went to dads for the weekend. After lots of sleep and “couch burrito-ing” he and I played a few games together. (He beat me every time at chess) This kid gives a lot of sweet moments regularly. They are often easy to appreciate, acknowledge and then move on with the next moment…but tonight when something sweet or kind would happen, he and I had the space and attention to sit with it, or go a little deeper into the thought. A few more sentences attached to a kind phrase creates some perfect moments I’m telling you. Presence is vital to really feel “level perfect.” I’m so thankful life was slower and more focused for him and I tonight. These elements made for perfect moments to happen, and perfect moments with kids? Those are some of the BEST kind.

8-6-22: I have a playlist titled: “Songs That Changed Me.” It’s those songs that (once you hear them) you know somehow you’ll never be the same. You cannot force these songs and their impact, but you cannot deny them either when they come. I had not one, but TWO songs change me today. That is so rare. I felt it. I sat with it. I knew I’d never be the same. And now my playlist has two more tracks to listen to in rotation when I want to remember the power of a perfect song and it’s impact on my soul. ❤️

8-7-22: I have mocked the phrase: “no you hang up” followed by the other responding: “no… YOU hang up!” For as long as I’ve known it existed. Sure, it sounded cute… but obnoxious. (Just hang up already) I would think. Ok. Well. Oops. Confession time. I get it now. I’ve NEVER gotten it until now. It’s not obnoxious, (unless it’s a landline and your sibling is waiting to use it) It’s an indicator of how thoroughly you enjoy the company of another. It is a sign that you are wild about a person. It is a longing, an ache in your chest that feels like your heart is being hugged and expanded simultaneously in the invisible embrace. I get it now. Hanging up is SO difficult. That is so new for me. What a great problem to have.

8-8-22: Tell me your stories and I’ll tell you mine. Learning about the people you love (in my opinion) ought to be a continual practice. I ask my kids questions like: “what was one of your favorite holidays?” They give a simple answer. Then I say: “What else about that holiday did you like?” That gets me more. Then I say: “Why?”… (that usually unlocks my kids) Sometimes this practice takes 1 question until the person asked unlocks something and shares with that flow that ONLY memory lane produces. Other times it takes 6 questions from multiple angles that creates a path which allows them to drive you down the location your questions prompted in their timeline. Tonight I only had to ask 2 questions and my love unlocked and was so open and expressive about multiple memories. The way she laughed when remembering a funny story, the high school fun, details of old friends… all pieces that made her- her. All just pieces. But I love knowing them. I love hearing them. It felt so perfect and almost sacred to be in that moment and witness those pieces she may not say often. I was captivated. I was steady in my demeanor but my heart was expanding more and more and I listened and watch her move through time outloud with me. “I would have loved you” I kept feeling. I do love her though. I get to love her. All of it. Just all of it. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

8-9-22: I don’t understand the physics of love. I don’t have to. I feel love bigger than my being sometimes. This element is intertwined in many of my perfect moments. I think love is a little like synergy. You think it is just 1+1 which would almost always equal 2. Unless, synergy is at play. It makes the sum bigger than the parts. I feel like my hearts capacity is being expanded by love. My heart hasn’t physically grown, but my love has. In the spirit of human formulas, I’ll end with this. “More love equals more perfect moments.” Period.

8-10-22: Football in Texas is a religion. The media has not lied to you about this. I am reporting from Texas as a mother with a boy who has caught the virus of “football.” I am now a certified expert on Texas football. Tonight’s perfect moment happened after a collection of perfect moments. It was a very still and peaceful day. The girls and I waited for brother during practice and the clouds filled the sky. The weather was amazing, the wind? (Just right) The clouds were Columbus clouds (the only ones I bet you remember from elementary science class) the BIG PUFFY COTTON CANDY ones. They were all shades of grey and white and silver. They were majestic. I sat with my girls watching the clouds and talking about what they looked like. I watched the girls dance and run around under the big sky. I felt like I was living in a movie. Even for just a few moments. Then, a rainbow. The encore moment of the day full of peace. I felt so grateful, but not overwhelmed. Enveloped and thoughtful. It was just so perfect. (Too bad a Hollywood camera crew wasn’t on site.)

8-11-22: I have ALWAYS wanted to be read to. Always. Books are a deep love, information my insatiable appetite. Tonight my dream came true and I was read to until I fell asleep. Of course I heard a kid and woke up to go tend to them (but it still counts) it will always count. A night my dreams came true. You read to me. I loved every second I remember. Perfect

8-12-22: Tonight I heard a song with these lyrics. “You can hear it in the silence, you can feel it on the way home, you can see it with the lights out… you are in love. True love. You are in love.” I have never felt so truly, deeply, fully loved in all my life I thought. What?!? How can that be?!? I have had so much love in my life. I really have. I still do. But then THIS love came. When I wasn’t looking. I gave myself a rough estimate of finding it in about a decade or so. It found me. I can hear it in the silence. I can feel it on the way home. I can see her with the lights out. Since she’s been in my life I’ve had explosions of perfect moments. The perfect moments have been more calm while being more powerful. It’s like extraordinary magic. I swear. (I know I sound like a sap, but you’ve seen my year+ sweet reader) Neither of us saw this coming did we? How perfect.

8-13-22: Charlie (my youngest) now gives REAL hugs. The kind where she runs towards me, arms wide open, and attempts to wrap me with her little wingspan and big heart. Her arms barely reach my back, but I feel enveloped by her sweetness. She squeezes, and with each squeeze I feel love. I love that my littlest “HUGS” now. Real, intentional, miniature perfect hugs.

8-14-22: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” I opened a book I got in the mail today and the introduction was just this quote from Hamlet. It hit me profoundly. I had to say it out loud. I said it out loud multiple times. I changed some of the wording to make it more modern. It was still poignant and beautiful. It felt SO beautiful. I am the closest I’ve ever been to my most true self since I was a young young child. That realization, accompanied by a deep experiential knowledge of the tears, pain, and time that got me to this truer existence hit hard. It all felt worth it. It felt honest. It felt calm. It felt warm. It felt sacred. Perfect.

8-15-22: Every line. Every wrinkle. Every little freckle on her face. They all really do tell a story. Stories I wasn’t able to be there for. I saw the lines in her eyes tonight. The sparkle of the light reflecting and I couldn’t tell if it was coming out of her eyes or mirroring the light in the room. Her soul is “that” bright. Incredible. Unbelievable and yet somehow SO real. It is real. “It is REAL!” I kept feeling reverberate in my mind and then travel down into my heart. It is real. This is real. You found real. This is love. It is freckled, it is kind, it is perfectly soft, it is fun, it is free, it is forgiving, it listens, it watches, it wants, it is. It is. It is real. She is real. It is so much better now that something clicked in my being to see that truth. A cascade of perfect moment after perfect moment tonight. A waterfall of love after a hot summer day. Refreshing, wanted, and undeniably…perfect.

8-16-22: A few good hearty laughs a day? What a good life. One in particular was just so happy. I felt so connected. Laughing together with someone. Happiness sometimes does have a sound. I loved every second of that exchange.

8-17-22: The coldest milk. A favorite cereal from childhood. A quiet home late at night. A seriously PERFECT snack. Which sometimes can be a seriously perfect moment.

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