“Humans do not represent two discrete populations; heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats, and not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning human sexual behaviour, the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.”
― Alfred Kinsey (1894-1956)
The first time I kissed a girl I was 15. This is a classic occurrence for MOST people who feel they fall ANYWHERE past a 2 on the Kinsey Scale.
I wasn’t as different as I thought I was at the time. I thought something was seriously wrong with me.
That kiss led to a full blown undercover relationship. I loved her. As much as a 15 year old can love another person. She was my first real “love” and it was all done in private.
How sad, and how normal for people with elements in their timelines similar to mine.
It would take me A LONG time to realize how common this kind of story is… common. But not talked about often.
In 2013, (despite my church leaders council) I decided to tell my husband this information, (and more) regarding my journey with sexuality.
I think this moment was “one of the beginning(s) of the end of us” for him anyway.
The church leader I talked with in preparation to marriage told me NOT to disclose this information about myself to my then fiancé because: “Some truths are unnecessary to share with your spouse, and they hurt too much.” He then quoted Isaiah telling me how I had repented from my sin (and changed my ways) long before being with my fiancé so: “Though your sins be scarlet they shall be white as snow… Do not bring something so unnecessarily red into your white, worthy marriage. It will only do you both harm.”
I remember leaving that church office feeling almost lifted with relief. Oh good, I can put this truly behind me. I can just love him fully, and that will have just been a detour I took because of my sexual abuse.
Even therapists over the years had taught me things like:
For many who have been extremely sexually abused or assaulted in their youth, they cope one of two ways. By becoming avoidant of all sexual advances and proclivities, OR by swinging in the opposite direction and becoming promiscuous in order to regain control and power over what was taken from them.
My experiences with the same sex had ALL been explained… finally.
Ok. So I guess I just took the “promiscuous” route because I was wounded and hurting? So now that I’ve done about a decade of work, have been worthy for YEARS and am in love with this man… Its over?
Ok. Got it. Thanks everyone.
What did I know anyway? I was only 21, these people were experts. One spiritually, and the other, psychologically.
I was raised in a VERY narrow, small world. I’m that generation that didn’t have the internet until I was in high school. I used the internet for games, music videos and the occasional chat room.
Like many where I come from, I was given absolutely zero education on sexuality from any real life person, and did NOT relate to medias depictions, so ANY answers from someone REAL about this topic felt like a gift.
“THANK YOU” I felt, each time someone helped me.
I didn’t listen to myself because I didn’t “KNOW” myself. All my life I was told who I was, what I was going to be in the future. I was told why I did what I did, I was taught what I was supposed to want. I was given tools, tips and exposure for how to focus on what I was supposed to want in life. I was rewarded with praise anytime I showed behaviors of a good wife, spiritual woman, excellent homemaker, loving future mother, and a straight, domesticated lady.
This all matters. 👆
THIS. ALSO MATTERS. 👇
I loved my husband. (Mushy was an understatement) I was completely infatuated. “Love spelled” I truly adored him. I enjoyed him. I was sexually attracted to him. I wanted to be with him.
I couldn’t bear the feeling of keeping this part of my past away from him any longer. My inner guilt of denying the truth was eating me alive.
So late one night, *on my own volition* while holding our newborn son, I went against my spiritual leaders council and told him anyway.
I finished disclosing my past with something like: “I’ll tell you anything you want to know. You now know all my secrets. (Its Jerry Springer level I know…) but I want YOU. I’ve been drawn to you since we were kids, and I want to not have ANY secrets anymore.”
He was SO kind to me that night. He really was. And for our whole marriage, (publicly anyway) he kept “my big secret.”
Over the years I would tell him: “You can tell so and so. You should have people you can talk to about this. Etc.” So he picked a few here and there.
Over the years I would tell a few of my closest friends as well: “This is my biggest secret…” always followed by “yes, he knows.”
In 2018, after about 1000 talks (and no new answers) with my husband, I started feeling the need to learn about the topic of SEXUALITY (in general)
We talked about this topic frequently. It was a huge sticking point for him. “Do you really want me?” Was a question frequently asked.
I would spend the majority of my marriage trying to prove I did.
I found the Kinsey Scale a few months into my learning. I took the test. I scored a 3. Equally Heterosexual and Homosexual.
Ok. This is information I didn’t have before.
But I didn’t really do anything with it. I didn’t feel I “had” to. I had made my choice. I was committed to him. To us. I had a husband and kids. I was as happy as I knew how to be. With what I had to work with.
I’m going to skip A LOT of details here and get to the present day.
It’s April 1st, 2022. I am almost divorced, and almost still legally married for 10 years.
*that part is still very strange*
He was the love of my life.
The love that taught me so much and gave me my 3 children.
I will ALWAYS love him.
I’ve been living on my own since February of 2021.
*well on my own meaning with my 3 kids.*
I have done A LOT of learning. A LOT of soul searching. A LOT of deconstructing. A LOT of rebuilding. A LOT of crying. A LOT of therapy. A LOT of reading. A LOT of sifting. A LOT of journaling.
Then I took the Kinsey Scale test again. About 6 months ago.
I scored a 4/5.
It made sense. Just like it made sense years ago when is scored a 3.
I feel like I have ranged between 2-5 on the Kinsey Scale throughout my life.
I think this concept will bother people. I think people WANT things to be more “stuck” and “sure.” I think some people don’t move around on the Kinsey Scale as much as I have. I get that. I think both realities can be true. Those who move more, those who are more stationary.
It’s just not honest for me to say I “AM” one number on the scale.
Ok, so now the “juicy” questions that might naturally be coming into your mind.
“Aubrey, are you going to date women now then?”
“Are you going to “come out as Gay? Lesbian? Queer? Bi?”
My honest response?
I’ll let you know.
My sexuality is for sure a huge part of who I am. But it is NOT ALL that I am. It is NOT ALL that I focus on. I am healing, learning, stumbling, fumbling and growing in this very “humany” way.
I have VERY plutonic friends that are women. I don’t want them sexually.
I find multiple people attractive that I don’t want to sleep with.
Those first 6 months post marriage I thought I’d be “broken sexually” forever. My libido was NULL/VOID/GONE.
I think that was REALLY good for me. It made me SIT with all the other “ish” without that very normal/distracting part of being a human.
I’ve talked to my kids about all kinds of people for years. They are aware how NORMAL being “different” in many ways is. Diversity is celebrated in this home. I am thankful for this.
I taught them years ago also that there are 3 main kinds of love.
1) Friend love
2) Family love
3) Romantic love
I tell them that mommy and daddy just don’t have Romantic love anymore. “Daddy has found more romantic love, and mommy will too someday.”
(We’ve had LOADS of conversations about this topic)
*I listen to all of their concerns* The key one being how they don’t want me to date a secret “bad guy”
*I agree with them*
Normalizing “bonus” love in the future is something I want to begin now.
My kids even say: “Mom, can we just not have another Dad please?”
And I think to myself… “Yep. Easy! Lol”
My son said: “Dad has found romantic love, and she is SO nice!”
*still weird for me* but I am happy for MORE love for them.
My daughter says: “I just want extra moms and one dad. We only need one dad.”
And I feel like: “Yeah, that would be nice wouldn’t it?”
I’ll let you know.
Until then sweet thing,
“With ignorance comes fear- from fear comes bigotry. Education is the key to acceptance.”
― Kathleen Patel
If you haven’t even taken it. I HIGHLY recommend starting with something as simple as this QUICK test to see where YOU fall on the Kinsey Scale.