Perfect Moments (May-July 2022)

7-29-22: I had the most unexpected INCREDIBLE conversation with my ex husbands girlfriend today. (I know right?!?) These words don’t usually go in a sentence together. I’m feeling EXTRA thankful for her today though. I’m pretty sure we were both choked up and teary a few times. It reminded me of the power of LOVE. When “love” is bigger. Impossible feeling things begin to feel possible.

7-28-22: BOOM! Clean Room! We’re talking, vacuum under the bed and move furniture clean. The kind of clean where you bust out the magic eraser and finally get the scuffs off of your desk also. It looks like I’m trying to list my room for sale tonight and it feels great. It will be messy by tomorrow if just one of my kids enters and exits…
But tonight? It is “perfectly” clean. And I will enjoy every minute.

7-27-22: One of my dear friends came over tonight with cookies and a note. The note was so unexpected and while reading it I felt pure love expressed. It was an overwhelming moment to be loved so completely in such a simple way.

7-26-22: My kids dad and his girlfriend showed SO much support and kindness today independently over texting and it meant a the world to me. “Hate is ALWAYS wrong. Love is NEVER wrong.” Was an exact quote. I cried thankful tears. It was a perfect moment.

7-25-22: When is the last time you felt you could totally be yourself and be so loved for it? I’m the luckiest person in the world to have that. I have not always had this. I don’t take it for granted. I felt myself just being totally myself today in the presence of someone I love and still connecting. It felt so perfect. Basic human need completely satisfied.

7-24-22: I went to the gym with my very pregnant best friend and sat on couches in the womens locker room. There was a moment when we were both laughing so loudly I was “sure” people could hear us from the hallway. I like to imagine they could. I’d like to think they had the thought: “what is going on in there!” Cross their minds. *nothing to see here. Just two best friends at the gym….sitcouches.*

7-23-22: Looking for perfect moments has helped me see the love in everything. Lately the love has been SO obvious everyday I laugh at the absurdity of it. Tonight it was in a video chat. So many times my heart swelled in my chest, my mind sparked with imagination, my soul lit up with possibility. Absolutely perfect.

7-22-22: I wrote a poem last year about voids. This poem describes a variety of voids I always, sometimes, or currently have and how I’ve become friends with them because the spaces inside of me- also make me (me). Radical acceptance of circumstance. And then. And then. And then comes a love that is filling up an “always void” of mine. It is just out of reach still. But I’ve found it. I know it exists. My soul is running towards it and my body will catch up soon enough. Perfect means complete in some iterations. That is how this filled void feels in its potential. Like it is the core of all that is good. It completes something BEYOND longing. Perfect for me. Perfect in its own standing as is. As it all should be. “All things led me to here.” *cryptic enough?* I’ll be more detailed in time. Now time is all I want.

7-21-22: I’ve had hard things still happening in rotation…But “I” am different now. Changed. There have been SO MANY perfect moments lately. So freaking many. My old thought patterns are looking for the shoe to drop, but a quiet calm tells me to “lean in” and says “I’ll keep you safe” and I know it’s telling the truth. Incredible. Perfect.

7-20-22: “All things led me to here.” I keep thinking as a love to big to hold grows daily. All things led me to here. (“Tell me more” I am told) and “you are safe” after I share hard things. Perfect? Only the most perfect love. The kind you write books over. “Tell me… tell me”

7-19-22: BEST. PROBLEM. EVER. I cherish the sweetness that is multiple perfect moments happening in a day. It’s so precious. A gift NOT lost on me. I find myself a few times a day weeping over how thankful I am to feel this. This. My kind of perfect. That alone is worth writing about, and I have been writing. I have released any long form content yet, but I will soon. I’m just “in it” and want to be there longer.

7-18-22: Tonight I lived in bliss for hours. Listening to music. Feeling every feeling that music brought. The perfect part of all of that though? Was the love I felt for the person I was listening to music with. It is as if everything makes sense. Every song. Every feeling. Everything. Perfect feels like it finally falls short. Incredible.

7-17-22: Tonight I watched a video of someone I love singing and caring for elderly patients as a CNA. The loving way she tended to them, their response to her, their shared laughter. Some perfect moments are captured on film. Some are not.

7-16-22: The new wallpaper on my phone. Every time I see it, I see my future bright as day. it’s an incredibly perfect moment that washes over me each time. Lucky lucky me.

7-15-22: 11:05pm. “Honey butter chicken biscuit” time! I try and do things I cannot do with my kids when they are gone. I really shot for the stars on tonight’s adventure. 😉 it was still perfect for me though. That’s what counts. What is “your” perfect moment. I’ve had so many lately. It’s incredible. Never saw it coming, but I kept my eyes open. I’m so thankful I did.

7-14-22: I had some epically moving moments today. Just no big deal- life changing ideas and thoughts and topics. Only everything I’ve ever wanted. Too perfect to know how to hold entirely. Today felt big.

7-13-22: Why do they call it “wildest dreams?” What makes those dreams the “wildest?” Of dreams? I think an element that answers these questions is the opinions of others. Fun fact. Others opinions will always be there. I have been going for my wildest dreams. I got one of them realized recently. Every time I think about it “I can’t believe it” but in that exact same moment I can. PERFECT moments have been flowing for me lately. Further proving my gut was never wrong. Seasons change. I’m so glad I stayed soft and open and listened to that inner knowing.

7-12-22: No matter the “it”, “it’s” always start with one small thing. A choice, a thought, a single action, etc… For me? “It” was a video. I cannot WAIT to tell you more about “it” as time keeps passing. PERFECTION.

7-11-22: I love my sister. Our relationship is a lot like “this” one (the gif) There was a moment when we were laughing together and also being so open and I realized: “she has been one of my safe people in this world, and look at her still being safe.” How lucky am I to have such a good and kind sister. P.s. I’m Elsa.

7-10-22: I GOT TO MEET MY BABY NEPHEW BEN! I held him the whole time we ate dinner and he slept in my arms. He is only 13 days old so he basically smells what heaven smells like still. It was SO hard to focus on the adults because I had perfection personified in my arms.

7-9-22: Have you ever just “known” something. Something you shouldn’t “know” yet? I’ve lived a life learning to listen to that “knowing.” It has never been wrong. I can be wrong about the specifics but it is never wrong in its essence of messaging. The “knowing” side of me has been saying some of the most hopeful stuff this week. I sat with myself today a lot. Watching the circus of my mind think in every direction about something. I allowed my body to feel every feelings that surfaced and tracked them. While those two strong parts of me had a busy day- my knowing side sat quietly with me. Just “knowing.” I was able to feel peace all day long despite the cacophony of music my mind and heart was coming up with. I had an awareness of it today virtually every hour…and each time I thought to myself. “This is a perfectly magical moment.” All things inside of me are doing exactly their jobs and I’m here for it.

7-8-22: I stayed up till 4:30am last night/morning (so forgive me for being a few hours late)
Did you know you can have 1000 perfect moments in a day and 0 sometimes also? This was one of the magical days of life that I never saw coming. I had 1000 perfect moments. I’ll elaborate on one. I was on a zoom call and a truly gifted writer read aloud the first chapter of their short story novel to me. It was SUCH great writing. I was captivated. In every sense of the word. “This is rare” (I thought to myself) and mentally captured every moment I could just wishing I had a record button on my being to save and replay it forever. My journal will have to take the brunt of my day/night. I live for this.

7-7-22: Today at my sons football “conditioning camp” (what 9 year old needs conditioning?!?) I played with my girls at the playground across the field. Then…I saw them. Adult sized swings. Swinging was always my favorite thing to do at recess in elementary. Somedays I would just swing and sing until the bell rang. In honor of that Aubrey, I probably swang? Swung? Swungded? Swinged? Swingadingd (that’s it) for 15 min. It was bliss! Truly so fun. You better believe I’m gonna swing next Tuesday when “conditioning camp” happens again. Perfect moment. 🙂 I had quite a few good ones today. It was hard to choose. (I celebrate those days)

7-6-22: “Do not let anything that happens in life be important enough that you’re willing to close your heart over it. When your heart starts to close, just say, “No. I’m not going to close. I’m going to relax. I’m going to let this situation take place and be there with it.” -Michael Singer from one of my all time favorite books (big statement) The Untethered Soul. I knew years ago I wanted to stay open no matter what happened. Then this resolve was tested. Big time, and regularly. Today I felt the energetic effect of being someone who stays open and doesn’t swear off “living.” Today there was a moment when I could choose a few courses. I chose to lean in to openness and live. And WOW did it WORK! I was ready and open and that’s all I needed to be. It was years of open choices despite life’s pain. It was in the staying soft though life’s attempt to harden. It’s breaking open when broken. I am so glad to see even little evidences that it was a rewarding decision. A decision I’ve had to keep making for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS. What is on the other side of rigorous openness, is the ability to feel MORE ALIVE from your head to your toes. It’s own energy source. The heart bank. It was a PERFECT collection of moments. I felt alive.

7-5-22: GAHHHHHHHHH! My kid is so freaking sweet I CANNOT handle it!!!! I missed her little nap time and bed time cuddles she asks for while smiling and gently saying: “lay down with me please?” Y’all. How could I ever say no to that? (News flash 98% of the time I don’t) It is one of the best parts of my everyday to spend that time playing with her hair as she nuzzles up close to me and drifts to sleep. Sometimes with a smile on her freaking little perfect face because I think she’s trying to make my heart explode. I missed everything about her and I LOVED those two sleepy times today where she makes me slow down for 5-20 min and just “be” with her. Perfect to the nth degree.

7-4-22: Todays perfect moment is a GOOD one! *they technically are all supposed to be good* but this one was rare and special. 🙂 The woman who delivered my package today knocked on the door to make sure I got it. When I answered wondering: “who the eff is at my door?” I was greeted by her smiling face trying to tell me “sorry I’m deaf” I responded in sign language with excitement: “why are you sorry!?! It’s no problem!” She signed back: “No way! You know sign!?” And we ended up chatting on the porch in ASL for like 15 min. Fireworks were going off in the background and we just kept signing. It felt so freaking perfect I can’t even tell you. She is a beautiful human and I’m so glad to have made a quick friend tonight.

7-3-22: I might feel this in the morning (I will) but tonight my bestie and I went to McDonalds and got 1/4th of the order we would’ve eaten back in college. It was nostalgic and fun… now pass the tums. 😉

7-2-22: Stranger Things Season 4. There were SO many parallels, poetic, philosophical and artistic illustrations. A cinematic masterpiece. My perfect moment was a TV show! What? But also, yeah. I want to talk about 9 different moments that were like “spiritual” for me- so I’m condensing to one perfect season of a show. Just phenomenal.

7-1-22: This was me tonight. Texting, laughing, and grinning like a little kid. It was so fun. I felt “SO” much like me while doing it. That combination made it perfect. It wasn’t “just” playful, or fun. It was also honest. That, I believe, is the “magic” ingredient. Which makes for some perfect rushes of perfect moments.

6-30-22: I experience multiple energy sources. Like a “mind battery” “body battery” “soul battery” “heart battery….” kind of concept. Today my body battery was feeling pretty sluggish. A virus and an adult sized double ear infection had me feeling like this skeleton in the GIF above. My heart and mind batteries however got all lit up again in a few perfect moments scattered throughout the day. These “batteries” all seem to have points of connection with each other. An effect on each other. A conversation tonight caused my heart and mind battery to feel a surge. It felt SO good! I forgot about my body aches and how I can’t hear out of my ears fully for a bit. The excitement of my mind and heart surge accidentally sent my body battery 🪫 to “sleep mode” and I passed out on the couch on accident. I woke up a few hours later, residually happy (needing to write my perfect moment) and still delusionally tired. Let’s see how many typos I catch when I go back and read this tomorrow fully awake. 😉

6-29-22: My bestie was SUCH a good listener tonight. I didn’t realize how much I needed it. Sometimes I think she just “knows” when to call me. We both naturally were able to kind of unload the “heavies” on our hearts and minds. It reminded me (yet again) how desperately valuable “our inner circle people” are. Although I am thankful for the value it brings- I don’t need tens of thousands of acquaintances to be happy. For me? It’s all about the thousands of days with a few REAL friends that call me just to say hi. We share inside jokes, memories, and stories. They remind me of who I am, and that I am loved exactly for who I am. And then…They make fun of me mercilessly for who I am. THAT is a great best friend. I am so freaking fortunate. We got off the phone and I realized. I feel connected to someone. I feel seen. I really needed that today. How perfect.

P.s. She ended the call saying: “ok, go do your perfect moment girl. I mean, “I’m” not gonna read it… but I know someone will.” 😂😂😂 *what a jerk* I love her so much.

6-28-22: There is NOTHING like a Texas summer thunderstorm. I’ve lived in a lot of places, I’ve seen almost as much rain as Forrest Gump described in his iconic monologue. But Texas wins at rainstorms. I was in bed virtually ALL day today so sick. But I could hear the storm outside. (I just had to see it.) My son and I went to the front porch and within 30 seconds of watching the rain crash down… CRACK! BOOM! Lightening hit right at the top of the hill by our home! We both screamed and jumped! *car alarms were set off it was so good* Our squealing lead to laughter and story telling. and it was perfect.

6-27-22: My mom could be a food network chef. (she is that good at cooking!) And me? The food tasting judge who enjoys a little of everything and can break it down with descriptive words. *We make a perfect team really* 😉 Ok but seriously. When I ate my moms cooking today I swear I TASTED what love and home tastes like. It’s so rare that I get to eat her cooking, so this pleasure was one I consciously, and slowly savored.

6-26-22: I picked the “WRONG” time to read a letter. Roughly at 2 am.… and it defibrillated my brains battery. I could NOT sleep afterwards. I felt SO “lit up!” I love feeling “lit up” like that. It might be one of the BEST feelings in the world. Truly. Since reading it I’ve only had what feels like a million thoughts and more daydreams than reality. Everything that hasn’t happened yet is unknown. I know that. So tonight I laugh at myself for being stuck on “on” since I read that letter. 24 hours past and I’m still reeling. That’s pretty powerful stuff. Some perfect moments are so simple; like sitting in a chair after standing up too long. (Like relief) Others sweep in…like a song that starts quietly and builds. Like an arrow coming your way from a distance and then…BULLSEYE. You cant manufacture the bullseye moments. You can see the arrow flying from a distance, but you don’t know the end point until it hits. This one hit dead center and I’m letting myself calm down from the *SUPERCHARGE* it sent with it. It sent me. and it felt “perfect.”

6-25-1946: It happened yesterday. I was in shock. The wave of feelings hit me today. Perfect moments were hard to feel. Then I leaned into some love. I had a good cry about how much I loved people like my special needs sister who was raped and gave the baby for adoption. She would know she was pregnant if it happened again in the first 12 weeks. She would take the pill like 91% of all abortions do. I felt so sad about how woefully uneducated MOST evangelical Christian’s are about abortions. I felt it all. In the “in between” I felt numb. So, I decided to do “what I do” and write write write. It was such catharsis. Exhausting, unpolished, but profound for my heart and mind. I came up with solutions. I used my creativity and imagination to “win this battle” but first I had to DUMP IT ALL OUT. The perfect moment was the moment I closed the laptop and thought: “Wow. I chose writing over ______(insert unhealthy behavior).” Time to keep stepping. “And do the next right thing.”

6-24-22: She woke up with a bad dream, grabbed my arm with tears in her eyes. “Mommy please. Lay down with me?” *I can’t say no to that.* She fell asleep within minutes as I played with her hair. I felt her feeling “safe” just by having me there. It was an honor to be that person for her tonight. Just as I was about to head back out to the reading room, I heard her laugh. Fully asleep. The sweetest little unconscious giggle. It was a cascade of events I was so thankful to be a part of.

6-23-22: Ok. I can’t handle it. I just cannot. When I read REALLY good writing… it “does” something to me. It’s like feeling magic. I ingest SO many words a week it’s ridiculous… and I have NOT grown tolerant of the feeling. In fact, it keeps getting better. Today there was a phrase that SENT me to that magic place. A metaphor I have been circling over and over again in my imagination at how captivating it was. Just so memorable. I love that. An absolutely (very specific to me) perfect moment.

6-22-22: When is the last time you danced alone? (no cameras, no choreography) My answer is today. The day was “done” and I just didn’t feel like reading, podcasting, or writing… so, I put my music on shuffle new stuff, and I danced. It’s so freaking FREEING! I caught myself giggling at my lack of dance moves but excellent enthusiasm. It was the happy chemical I needed at the end of an otherwise long day.

6-21-22: I’m not the calm, cool, collected mom that is just like” “Hey buddy, wassup kid, I missed ya…” When I see my kids again after time with their dad. I’m the *drop to my knees, open my arms and scream*: “AHHH!!! MY BABIES!!!! Get over here!” As they smile and run into my hugs and kisses (kind of mom.) It’s illogical, uncool, unconditional love. I made the most of our time apart, but GD am I’m glad to have them home again. It was an evening of perfect moment after perfect moment started by one big perfect reunion.

6-20-22: Mary Poppins has a “less famous” song that plays through my head as I write this: “I love to laugh (ha ha ha ha) long and loud and free. The more I laugh (ha ha ha ha) the more I’m a merrier me!” I love that thought. It feels true. Today my little sister said like 3 things in a row to me that caused my laugh to go from ha ha to HA HA HA to Bwahahahahahahahahaha! The kind of hearty belly laugh that takes over and makes whatever sound it wants. A REAL GOOD laugh. I LOVE how those feel. “The more I laugh… the more I’m a merrier me.”

6-19-22: He’ll probably never read this. And that is OK. I still need to get this perfect moment “out there.” Tonight I got a FaceTime call from my kids dad. It was my little baby not wanting to go to sleep. She was asking for me so he FaceTimed. There was a moment when I was telling him “Happy Fathers Day” where I just REALLY felt so much love for him. So grateful that we made such amazing kids. So grateful for every “good” thing he had done also. We had a moment on FaceTime. He said: “Thanks Aubrey.” I said “yeah…” and I felt it. We really did have love. It’s different now. Changed. In a different location. No longer romantic. I just want him to win. And I want to co parent the hell outta these kids we made. They deserve it.

6-18-22: I had one of ”these” kinds of realizations today. (See GIF) What Oprah might call an “Ah-hah!” Moment. It was perfect for me because I find myself searching daily but not always finding daily. Today I “found” something important about myself and was validated quickly by the person who knows me best. I wrote it down in my personal journal. I feel really good gaining better perspective any chance I can. It propels me into the next day with enthusiasm. Like a life archeology dig. Today I found something! 😉

6-17-22: “Whatever I feel like I wanna do. GOSH!” Is what I can do when its just me to take care of. What a concept. I took a perfect nap today. Sorry if that is such a bore but for me… it was heaven. A PERFECT (middle of the day) nap!

6-16-22: I caught up with my “inner circle” girls today. As I talked to each one of them and heard from them I couldn’t help but have this parallel view of how grateful I am for them in my life. They make me laugh, they like me for who I am, and they are genuinely GOOD and kind people. I love my friends. Hearing from them today created a few perfect moments. So I’m lumping it together because this is my platform and I can do what I want 😉

6-15-22: I was sitting on a bench today. There was a perfect breeze. It was a cloudy warm summer day. Hundreds of people passed by as I sat there. I wasn’t on my phone. I was completely enamored by humanity. It’s variety, it’s similarity. Even just the different ways people walk is fascinating. I thought to myself. We REALLY are not alone in a lot of ways. Maybe I’m surrounded by people while still in my own mind…but it would take just a few words and I would be connecting with any one of these people. Life is so strange. But that was a beautiful. Simple. Perfect moment.

6-14-22: This is my heart today. I think it might be because my babies are going to be away from me for the longest stretch they ever have. My divorce settlement states the kids get to be with dad 21 days in the summer. We are deciding to break it into 7 day stretches once a month. I think it’s all any of us can handle for various reasons. I know this isn’t a perfect moment. I’m aware. I had good moments today. I even had some really sweet moments with my kids and loving moments between friends today. But my heart feels unable to have that “perfect” feeling today. I tried. I cuddled, tickled, talked, went outside, put electronics away, read books, talked with loved ones, paid attention and put myself in places where I could normally “feel” one… and I just “didn’t.” Interesting. I think this must be a wave of grief that I’m feeling. It’s coming from a combination of things, but not having the kids for a week is my hearts tipping point it seems. It is tired. I think I’ll let my heart sit down and rest a bit. Stay sober. And not fabricate a perfect moment if I didn’t have one today. I tried. It just didn’t happen. I’m ok. It’s ok. It will be ok. But today. We go easy. Because life sometimes feels unbearably hard.

6-13-22: Today I heard some rumors and gossip about me. It was such an interesting experience. I’ll tell you why. A few years ago if I would have heard that very same thing I think I would’ve played it off strong in the moment and then thought about it and allowed it to affect my mood for days. Today? I seriously didn’t care. “I” knew it was wrong. I knew how I lived my life. I had friends that know and love me. That for real was enough. IN the moment that was enough. It was so peaceful. I even smiled at the absurdity of the gossip. I’m changing in ways I thought I was resigned to suffer with forever. I am “knowing” things about myself and there is a foundational firmness that comes along with that. It makes what people say, just “talk” and my life… REAL. Fascinating. And REALLY peaceful.

6-12-22: I am in process of accomplishing one of my (short term projects) and I’m LOVING it. Essentially I’m learning everyday about one of 50 of the greatest philosophical classics of all time. *I know. Party animal!* 😉 There was a moment today while reading where I felt so mentally fulfilled. Like thanksgiving dinner for my mind. I loved that feeling. It’s hard to satiate my brain but it so did today! I love that feeling.

6-11-22: Today I overheard my daughter exclaiming to her cousin: “Oh Wow! Now we are going to smell like my mom! She smells like CANDY!” And I just about died. She had no clue I could hear her. It was SO pure. Her voice sounded so enthusiastic over the thought they would smell like me. I was BEYOND flattered. The thought that I have a specific smell to her, and that candy is her favorite thing in the world was a combo my heart couldn’t handle. You better believe I rode that high for as long as I could today. It was so cute, and in my world a very sweet compliment.

6-10-22: This is my son. The worlds kindest soul. tonight he had one of his rare meltdowns and even low he is so freaking sweet. He looked at me. Angry about me telling him to head to bed he said strongly but not loudly: “No.” Then he started crying. I said: “just lay down baby, you’re really tired” He did. One minute later he says to me: “I’m sorry mom” through tears. “I just took my fire out on you and I’m just so frustrated about…” I just held him and let him talk. He said: “I hate feeling angry.” What a kid. I want him to know all human feelings are normal… but man was that so freaking sweet to experience. What a kid. I’m so freaking lucky. *p.s. he was snoring literally 5 min later* 😉

6-9-22: I played in the front yard with my kids and the water hose today. Ok… I watered the yard for 30 min, then played for about 10 min (and then basked in the glory of sitting) while my children continued taking turns with the water hose for another hour and a half. There was a perfect moment in this mix of summer front yard sun. My girls started doing yoga on beach towels, while my son was discovering the physics of water droplets falling from trees with the hose. It was a beautiful moment. One of those that needs background music and is shot in slow motion. But I got to see it. I could feel the perfection of it, so I consciously tried to capture it in my long term memory bank (I hope it works) and then I just reveled in the magic. I so loved that moment.

6-8-22: Imagine this. I’m sitting in my reading/writing chair. I’ve already had a full day and its only 4pm. Then something I read hits my funny bone. So I laugh. No one sees me laughing, no one is sharing in the laughter… but it keeps growing. I laugh audibly, by myself. I am laughing freely. I pause and catch my breath. I am happy.
Whoa.
*pause*
Grasp that concept.
My “alone laughter” is coming back. I’ve missed it so much.

6-7-22: Sweet relief! I went to the bookstore today and got a few books I’ve been wanting to read! (I’ve finished one already 🤓) The smell, the millions of worlds in words- all at my fingertips. Tangible arguments, philosophies and storylines. Characters that mirror real people, and real people that seem like fictional characters. Its a beautiful place. I went in for one book for my sons birthday and one for me, I left with about 6… (I have no regrets!)

6-6-22: At my kids kung fu class (of all places) I made an unlikely connection. I have noticed the way this woman communicated with her daughter since our first week there. I just liked her energy. So I did “the thing I do” and just told her: “I love the connection you have with your daughter. It’s so obvious y’all are buddies…” Her response was warm, gentle, kind, steady. 2-3 sentences in and it turns out she’s working on a memoir of her life! (NOW WERE TALKING!) We were twin souls in many ways. Exchanging book recommendations to each other, explaining why we loved certain authors and their ideologies (we knew so many of the same! It was so exciting!) we shared the bullet point versions of life experiences we both oddly had in common. We laughed (like actual laughter) as we validated each other effortlessly. I was so interested in her story and perspective, she was reciprocal in her interest of me. We were two sides of the same coin in many ways. What a gift. Plus, she has one of my favorite names so I will not be forgetting it anytime soon 😇

6-5-22: Tonight the kids and I did “the sprite challenge” together. Honestly I just thought it would be a fun memory, and that the people in the videos I had seen were exaggerating for views. No. NO. They weren’t. What they FAILED to mention was how PAINFUL it is to drink 16oz of sprite and NOT burp! My kids went way slower than me though and got probably 10oz. But my competitive self downed the 16oz and FELT it! Here comes the perfect moment… After they were asleep I went to watch the recording and condense it… It was the BEST part of my night! I laughed SO hard! Maybe it was worth it? *I’ll let you know in the morning when my stomach settles* 😉

6-4-22: Finally! Writers block curse was broken! I published another piece and it feels like I’m getting my mojo back! Where did it go over the last month? I think the most accurate answer is: “everywhere else.” But it felt good to just sit with rhythm in writing and hit a flow state for once in weeks! The topic was completely spontaneous. I like it that way. It keeps me fresh. It makes the evolution of my writing observable. Either way… it felt GREAT to get something out in public. My drafts were starting to pile up in a frustrated, half finished, fragmented heap!

6-3-22: Today someone I’ve known since I was 10 years old said some things about me on a public platform that meant so much. They weren’t as much compliments as they were observations and memories she had of me. She remembered how I goofed off and was silly at school, how I would sing at random and talk in class. She mentioned how it seemed I was returning to “that” Aubrey she remembers, and how she was glad to see that. It felt REALLY powerful. I was so touched that she would take the time to say those things. I saw her almost daily from age 10-18 so it meant a lot. I felt so thankful that she reminded me of the kid I was. Few are able to in this world. Thank you sweet “old friend.” You were my perfect moment today.

6-2-22: Have you ever met up with someone at the wrong times in life? Either you were struggling? They were struggling? You both were struggling… but you FELT like you had “something special” with them? I have someone like that in my life… and I ran into her today at the pool. It was the most pleasant experience. I felt so calm. I felt so much love for her. I felt like: “Wow. In another life, you’d probably be one of my best friends…” Maybe this is another life I’m starting though. A new chapter within my one lifetime saga? Either way. I genuinely LOVED catching up with her. I felt nothing but kindness and I felt like I was able to be myself without so much fear. It was a beautiful and new experience with an old friend. An unexpected perfect moment. *maybe I “am” healing?*

6-1-22: Crawling in bed to warm from the dryer, fresh, clean bedding after a cleansing shower is it’s own luxury not lost on me.

5-31-22: I’ve been “in the thick” of my feelings lately. It takes a lot of energy to be walking through thick things. Sometimes I get tired and just feel like sitting. Something profound that has happened in my life is how my best friends have loved me and allowed me to just “be” whatever I need to be without leaving me. I have some TRULY incredible friends. I’m so freaking grateful for them. Today, one literally said in a message to me: “Aubrey, I’ve gotten to know what you mean by slowing down when you’re going through turbulence… what does love look like to you when you’re in that place? How can I best show up for you the way you want and need so you know I am there, and I am not going anywhere whether you take days or weeks.” That is a secure friendship. That meant everything because I took a few days to respond to her and the guilt was weighing on me. I didn’t tell her I felt guilty, I just let her know I was working through some “thick” things and her response was so freaking indicative of the caliber of person she is. I hope to be that way for all my people. To be loved, exactly as you are. All the sides. That message was my perfect moment.

5-30-22: My bestie showed up for me today. I had seen her, talked to her, told her my feelings and she could’ve just let it live in the conversation (which was good already) from earlier that day. But she chose to send just one more group of texts before bed to reassure me that it is because I truly “loved” that I feel sorrow and that she was proud of me and loved me blah blah blah… but it didn’t feel blah blah blah to me. It felt like that dose of love I didn’t realize my aching heart wanted. It was my perfect moment. She didn’t have to. She did anyway. There’s something to learn there.

5-29-22: WhooWee! I felt it STRONG today that I still have SO much I can learn about so many things! It gets me excited to wake up everyday though. I love living in a time where information is so easily accessible and wide spread. It confuses me how little this excites many peers I talk with. Today was different though. I listened to a podcast and in it the person being interviewed shared something they had just read that day. They admitted not knowing great depth about the topic (which was so refreshing) and their enthusiasm to learn more was palpable. I felt SO much hope hearing someone else talking this way on a large platform. It was my perfect moment. Feeling like there might be a great many out there with strong appetites to learn, but weren’t pretending to “KNOW” was my perfect moment.

5-28-22: All day my son was asking to play board games. I said “no,” his sick sister said “no” and he was left to fend for himself. Finally tonight after the girls went to sleep I said: “son, I’ll play (this) game with you or nothing at all.” He lit up. Its one of “our” games together. He was so happy and silly during the whole game. He makes me real laugh with how clever he is with wordplay. I was in the moment laughing but watching him with a secondary view simultaneously. Do any of y’all ever do this? You are “in it” and “above watching” at the same time. I just thought to myself. What a beautiful boy. I am so fortunate to enjoy his company so much. Truly. When it was all said and done and I was saying goodnight to him, he became very sincere and sweet and said with a long gentle hug: “Thank you for playing with me mom, I had a really good time.” No. Thank YOU little boy. You remind me to keep playing and spend my energy with my loves.

5-27-22: I had dinner with the kids and we were all in such a goofy mood. I just adore their senses of humor. They are SO different from each other. My son likes being clever with wordplay and absurdities and my daughter likes being absurd and “sketch” comedy. I love both. We took turns laughing, doing our bits together and enjoying each others company. I love those freaking kids.

5-26-22: I swam today. Swimming has been “my happy place” since I had my youngest memories. I was the kid that rode her bike to the public pool everyday of summer, pay my dollar to get in, and just swim ALL day. There was a moment today in the pool where I was underwater and just with myself. Weightless. I felt like it was a beautiful metaphor for what I so long to feel sometimes. I got to. Even just for a few seconds. I think I’ll be swimming a lot this summer.

5-25-22: Today the aftermath of another mass school shooting at an elementary school near my home settled inside of me. My heart is hurting. It’s all too much. I did all the steps. I controlled what I could, and let go of what I couldn’t. I called local and state officials. I donated. I vote. I stayed sober. I loved on my babies. I carried on with my day. But I was in autopilot. Maybe my perfect moment (to the best of my capacity today) was loving on my babies (who have no clue what happened in just the town over) I’m so thankful for them.

5-24-22: The sauna is my JAM! I love a good sweat in the sauna. I feel SO good afterwards. Today I was in a sauna with all guys and I couldn’t help but giggle to myself wondering what everyone was listening to in their headphones. Ironically, I was listening to a book all about men, while surrounded by half naked men. PERFECT MOMENT. *p.s. the book is “for the love of men” by Liz Plank and it’s SO good!

5-23-22: I cried laughing last night. I was watching someone’s live on TikTok and right at the end of the conversation it took a 180 and maybe I was sleepy delusional but it was so funny to me that I laughed out loud, alone, at my phone. As depressing as that may sound. It wasn’t. I was alone. I was laughing. Outloud. By myself. I was ok. Alone. Happy. Alone. That was perfect.

5-22-22: This one is going to sound strange. Hear me out. Tonight, after cuddling my gorgeous babies till all of them were asleep, I checked my phone. (Facebook memories is a catch 22 I tell ya) it showed me a memory of a time when I was SMITTEN in my marriage and the memory was a really happy one as a “little family.” It hurt. It hurt like nothing but “it” could hurt like. And I cried. Here’s the beautiful part though ok? It all was real for me. I LOVED. I am a lover. That pain. That deep pain comes from losing a love. Are we supposed to be married right now still? HELL no. But there was a time when we really DID have beautiful moments. And for some reason the full circle of this tonight showed me how I love. And THAT moment was perfect. Freaking hurt like a mother to get to the perfect moment. But we got there. We got there.

5-21-22: The internet is such a beautiful place sometimes. I was able to live stream tonight with some women I had only talked to by commenting on each other’s videos. Once we went live together, we talked for HOURS. So wild. Such good energy. Such good thoughts were shared… but I had a “perfect moment” in the midst of it all. There was a moment when I felt like I was just “being playful Aubrey” and I felt so accepted. They played along with me. It was FUN! (Like actual, virtual, but real live fun) 😉 I wanna do that again someday. Not tomorrow. I’m going to have to recharge. But “someday” 😉

5-20-22: My toddler is just is so happy and sweet…AND she sleeps so well! This morning I was laying in bed with her and I knew I had to wake her up because we had to get the older two of to school. I just rubbed her curly hair and she smiled at me, reached her hand out, patted my cheek and said: “shhhh.” I loved her so much in that moment. I always love her, but having my child shush me back to sleep with a smile like: “mom, lets just go back to sleep yeah?” Was such a perfect moment. I love that kid. She’s like Christmas morning in human form.

5-19-22: Living Room Dance Session! This was my perfect moment! I feel like I practically saved up all of my energy for about 5 min on the “dance floor” with my kids tonight but it was WELL worth it. I even got some killer footage of my middle child… being her. One day I hope she lets me show you. It would bring so much joy. But for now. I got to dance with them, and I got to see it myself. What a perfect moment it was.

5-18-22: Ok! Mystery solved! I’m SO sick. I feel the same as when I had covid a few months ago- so I think maybe I was incapable of doing more than just “existing” yesterday. (If anyone was wondering) I was existing today also but I actually had a perfect moment! Literally just one lol
Picture this. All of my kids and I were just laying in the living room. “Lounging” together, all distracted in our own worlds, but together. Then I saw the FUNNIEST video. I started laughing outloud. Which sparked a chain of smiles around the room. Then curiosity, then I showed them all. We all laughed and laughed together and it felt SO good. It opened the door to us all talking and sharing funny stories with eachother and it was a beautiful hour of “togetherness” started by one perfect moment, which was just one REALLY funny video that made me laugh outloud. How cool.

5-17-22: Ok folks. It happened. I had things that went “ok” and some good moments. I think this day was bound to happen. I didn’t feel profoundly moved at all today and I didn’t want to lie about it. So. Here we are. No perfect moment. Interesting.

5-16-22: 👈This was me tonight. Moved to tears. One of those perfect moments that you’re like: WOW. THAT FELT BIG. This one felt “BIG.” I had this gnawing feeling tugging at my heart that I needed to switch podcasts and listen to something more “heart filling.” (I had been listening to two psychologists talking about psychopaths and what made one certifiable or not) *I know. Just a little light learning* 🤓 There was nothing inherently “wrong” with what I was listening to, but my soul was asking for something else. I’m glad I listened. I fumbled through some options and I felt like a spirit version of Goldie Locks and the 3 bears. “This podcast is too rough” “That book is too light” “That mental health walk was too hot.” Nothing was filling me and I felt *SOUL HUNGRY* The good news is, I’m stubborn thing. If I feel hungry, I’ll keep looking for food.
I had been avoiding an interview because I was worried it wouldn’t live up to my expectations of all the people involved and I didn’t want to be let down by people I respected and admired. It was kind of like knowing your favorite celebrity is going to be at the same place as you. Do you meet them and possibly break the illusion you have of them in your mind? Or do you just keep observing them from a distance and further cement your narrative about them in its safe place?
This was the first time I was going to HEAR one of my favorite authors “free speak” in interview form for hours…I decided to chance it. Because my heart felt hungry and this “might” do the trick.
LIGHTBULB. FIREWORKS. DISNEY MAGIC. GRINCH HEART EXPANSION MOMENT (you name it)
I was speechless. Moved. Inspired.

A perfect moment that happens a 1 out of 100 perfect moments if you’re lucky. My heart feels happy. I’ll go finish that podcast about psychopaths another day. 😉

5-15-22: I get the hardest, most raw and unfiltered parts of my children. This is the shadow side of being a mother. Talk to many moms and they will instantly know what you’re saying. Talk to dads and this will more than likely be a new thought for them or have one or two stories attached to try and relate. (Sorry not sorry) Ok. Time for my perfect moment. What a build up right? 😉 I had a really good breakthrough with my most explosive child today! It felt amazing. I have been diligently experimenting and learning about more tools to regulate emotions and one of them finally freaking clicked for my child who HATES BREATH WORK, hugs, going outside, moving their body when upset, fidgets, work, animals, a hug, a nap, quiet, art, screaming into a pillow, etc. When they are dis regulated. Parenting these kiddos is SUCH an opportunity for me to learn things I wouldn’t dream up before them. Watching my child remember an alternative way to express the negative emotion that wouldn’t be toxic for everyone today was my perfect moment. We might be getting somewhere here! *check back in tomorrow though*

5-14-22: I’m convinced the only pleasant way to clean with children is by BLASTING great music while doing it! Today. We did a 4 song clean up of the house (4 songs working our fastest and we’re done) The dancing was fun, the combined teamwork of working together was nice and jeez……. I like seeing the floor again! That’s my perfect moment today. It was a buzz of harmony and effort and I loved it!

5-13-22: OH MY GOSH! Another day to celebrate just the sheer fact that I had EXACTLY as much energy as was required for me to have! Even when something very taxing happened today, I had “just” enough for it to handle it with some level of internal humor at the absurdity of it and external response that was productive! WAHOO FOR ENERGY! The irony is that after hours of writing today, some cleaning, child rearing, scheduling, posting, socializing, moving my body, feeding, emailing, and consuming data… I’m now perfectly exhausted. I’m floating into tonight’s dock totally depleted but… I WAS ABLE to show up for everyting that was required of me. And each time it happened I’d think: “whoa! I had energy for that!” *perfect moment* Halle-freggin-lulah!

5-12-22: Today was a perfectly “lovely” day. It was normal(ish) and I had some moments where I laughed and other moments when I was frustrated. My perfect moment is one that I had to think about for today. It was FLEETINGLY fast (is fleetingly a word?) I caught my kid looking at me like this while I was telling them a story and it MELTED me in the moment… but like only for a QUICK moment. I kind of wish I was more “present” today so I could’ve soaked that feeling up longer. It happened. I felt it. But it was a total “flash in the pan” kind of perfect moment for me. (I’m a lucky momma)

5-11-22: When is the last time you played chase/tag? My answer is- tonight 🙂 it was a bubbling of togetherness at dinner, which naturally lead into some chat, and before I knew it I was running away and screaming from 3 small and mischievous kids! It was so fun! I felt so young! We all laughed, hugged, tickled and screamed while running around the house 🙂 so funny and so fun! A happy perfect moment for sure 🙂

5-10-22: While eating dinner in the van with my girls today (rare and random but stay with me) Lily and I got Charlie to belly laugh…. And OH WHAT A LAUGH that little one has! I got a little of it on video. I felt the rest. It feels like freaking magic listening to the sound of her laughter. It is whatever the good version of kryptonite is for Superman. I LOVE that sound ❤️

5-9-22: no matter how cool adult humans strive to be in the social dynamic of their culture… the inner child remains. Mine likes to play, make myself and others laugh, and is not embarrassed easily. I was able to tap into that happy not cool inner child and play yesterday and put it out publicly. I felt free. I honored that little goofball that still lives in me and it felt perfect 🙂

5-8-22: Last Mother’s Day was brutal (2021). This mothers day? WAS SO GOOD. That alone is something to celebrate! But I’ll be specific because this is the “perfect MOMENT” platform, not the “overall gauge of the day” platform. So I’ll pick this one. 🙂 the gift my kids and my exes girlfriend made me. It was a 3 part canvas with “mom” painted in rainbow. The “O” was all three of their handprints overlapped. I can’t believe a tacky gift from my kids *the most classic of all Mother’s Day gifts* had me feeling so many feelings. It was so cliche and tender….and I’m hanging it up first thing tomorrow ❤️

5-7-22: I got an unexpected gift today for mothers day tomorrow. It was a 3 canvas set of my 3 kids in black and white. I was so moved, to tears at a public restaurant. Lucky me. To be loved, and to be able to love those babies so much that a canvas of each of them would move me so. ❤️

5-6-22: Imagine this… two moms in their thirties, hanging out, playing a video game! It was SOOOO funny! We were laughing so hard! At one part of the game my best friend and I started riffing and I was scream laughing. Perfect laugh moments are my FAVORITES. It was so fun. It is now also really tempting to get a twitch account just so y’all could hear how funny she is. It would be a gift to the world I’m telling ya!

5-5-22: There was something about my kids smiling eyes today. I couldn’t help but keep noticing how freaking pure they were. I looked at their smiling eyes as they played together before bed and felt like: “this is better than the movies, and I’m the only one seeing it.” It felt sacred. They seemed too good for this world. Now they are all sleeping in moms bed. I’ll HAPPILY sleep in the reading chair tonight envisioning their smiling eyes tonight. So full of joy. So freaking pure.

5-4-22: y’all…. I CANNOT get enough of the rain! I’m telling you! I LOVE a rainy day and we have had like a rainy/cloudy WEEK! It’s been glorious. I stood in my backyard in it. I soaked it up. I heard the thunder rumble like natures first subwoofer. I watched the sky light up like the earths first rock concert. I felt the wind blow and bring the smell of summer showers and I felt the tiny droplets begin to fall in the already perfectly humid air. I was in my own kind of heaven. It was freaking perfect.

5-3-22: I had an “up day” today and let me tell you…. WE CELEBRATE up days over here in my neck of the woods! My kids bad moods didn’t phase me, I stayed awake all day (no depressy naps) I had a lot of creative expression I was able to get out, AND I talked to multiple people I loved! (Aka today was “a lot of perfect moments day”)
I’m going to be choosy and pick just one that no one else but me witnessed. *inside scoop*
I took an hour and a half today to record stories from my marriage so “I” could hear them. For me. For my healing. When I was done telling them to the phone, I saved them in a folder and put it away. Getting it out helped me feel like I was going to be ok in a “taking back control of the narrative” kind of way. They never need to be seen by another person. I have experienced the power of recording (not just writing) some stories that matter to me. It was a “experimental practice” for my heart. Which created the perfect moment I truly NEEDED today.

5-2-22: Today I played the piano all in my feels and it felt SO good! Finally I’m getting “ever so slightly” better at playing and singing at the same time. There is this new Billie Eilish song that I’m kind of obsessed with so I played and sang… imperfectly but with feeling 😉 That did the trick. Perfect moment worth remembering. Thanks music.

5-1-22: Have you ever seen dragon ball z? (This is a stretch. It’s very niche) but essentially it is a cartoon I used to watch as a kid where like 20 of the 25 episodes the main character is just preparing for an epic battle. They create these power balls and unleash them the last 5 episodes of the season (lol)
Here’s the parallel. 👇
I wrote a poem today that felt like a season of dragon ball z. I have been building thoughts and feelings like a powerball of energy and in (no joke) 8 min I wrote one of my favorite poems yet. That kind of writing feels electric to me. Its one of my favorite feelings. Creative release. My perfect moment.

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