My Perfect Moments (May-Sept 2022)

5-26-22: I swam today. Swimming has been “my happy place” since I had my youngest memories. I was the kid that rode her bike to the public pool everyday of summer, pay my dollar to get in, and just swim ALL day. There was a moment today in the pool where I was underwater and just with myself. Weightless. I felt like it was a beautiful metaphor for what I so long to feel sometimes. I got to. Even just for a few seconds. I think I’ll be swimming a lot this summer.

5-25-22: Today the aftermath of another mass school shooting at an elementary school near my home settled inside of me. My heart is hurting. It’s all too much. I did all the steps. I controlled what I could, and let go of what I couldn’t. I called local and state officials. I donated. I vote. I stayed sober. I loved on my babies. I carried on with my day. But I was in autopilot. Maybe my perfect moment (to the best of my capacity today) was loving on my babies (who have no clue what happened in just the town over) I’m so thankful for them.

5-24-22: The sauna is my JAM! I love a good sweat in the sauna. I feel SO good afterwards. Today I was in a sauna with all guys and I couldn’t help but giggle to myself wondering what everyone was listening to in their headphones. Ironically, I was listening to a book all about men, while surrounded by half naked men. PERFECT MOMENT. *p.s. the book is “for the love of men” by Liz Plank and it’s SO good!

5-23-22: I cried laughing last night. I was watching someone’s live on TikTok and right at the end of the conversation it took a 180 and maybe I was sleepy delusional but it was so funny to me that I laughed out loud, alone, at my phone. As depressing as that may sound. It wasn’t. I was alone. I was laughing. Outloud. By myself. I was ok. Alone. Happy. Alone. That was perfect.

5-22-22: This one is going to sound strange. Hear me out. Tonight, after cuddling my gorgeous babies till all of them were asleep, I checked my phone. (Facebook memories is a catch 22 I tell ya) it showed me a memory of a time when I was SMITTEN in my marriage and the memory was a really happy one as a “little family.” It hurt. It hurt like nothing but “it” could hurt like. And I cried. Here’s the beautiful part though ok? It all was real for me. I LOVED. I am a lover. That pain. That deep pain comes from losing a love. Are we supposed to be married right now still? HELL no. But there was a time when we really DID have beautiful moments. And for some reason the full circle of this tonight showed me how I love. And THAT moment was perfect. Freaking hurt like a mother to get to the perfect moment. But we got there. We got there.

5-21-22: The internet is such a beautiful place sometimes. I was able to live stream tonight with some women I had only talked to by commenting on each other’s videos. Once we went live together, we talked for HOURS. So wild. Such good energy. Such good thoughts were shared… but I had a “perfect moment” in the midst of it all. There was a moment when I felt like I was just “being playful Aubrey” and I felt so accepted. They played along with me. It was FUN! (Like actual, virtual, but real live fun) 😉 I wanna do that again someday. Not tomorrow. I’m going to have to recharge. But “someday” 😉

5-20-22: My toddler is just is so happy and sweet…AND she sleeps so well! This morning I was laying in bed with her and I knew I had to wake her up because we had to get the older two of to school. I just rubbed her curly hair and she smiled at me, reached her hand out, patted my cheek and said: “shhhh.” I loved her so much in that moment. I always love her, but having my child shush me back to sleep with a smile like: “mom, lets just go back to sleep yeah?” Was such a perfect moment. I love that kid. She’s like Christmas morning in human form.

5-19-22: Living Room Dance Session! This was my perfect moment! I feel like I practically saved up all of my energy for about 5 min on the “dance floor” with my kids tonight but it was WELL worth it. I even got some killer footage of my middle child… being her. One day I hope she lets me show you. It would bring so much joy. But for now. I got to dance with them, and I got to see it myself. What a perfect moment it was.

5-18-22: Ok! Mystery solved! I’m SO sick. I feel the same as when I had covid a few months ago- so I think maybe I was incapable of doing more than just “existing” yesterday. (If anyone was wondering) I was existing today also but I actually had a perfect moment! Literally just one lol
Picture this. All of my kids and I were just laying in the living room. “Lounging” together, all distracted in our own worlds, but together. Then I saw the FUNNIEST video. I started laughing outloud. Which sparked a chain of smiles around the room. Then curiosity, then I showed them all. We all laughed and laughed together and it felt SO good. It opened the door to us all talking and sharing funny stories with eachother and it was a beautiful hour of “togetherness” started by one perfect moment, which was just one REALLY funny video that made me laugh outloud. How cool.

5-17-22: Ok folks. It happened. I had things that went “ok” and some good moments. I think this day was bound to happen. I didn’t feel profoundly moved at all today and I didn’t want to lie about it. So. Here we are. No perfect moment. Interesting.

5-16-22: 👈This was me tonight. Moved to tears. One of those perfect moments that you’re like: WOW. THAT FELT BIG. This one felt “BIG.” I had this gnawing feeling tugging at my heart that I needed to switch podcasts and listen to something more “heart filling.” (I had been listening to two psychologists talking about psychopaths and what made one certifiable or not) *I know. Just a little light learning* 🤓 There was nothing inherently “wrong” with what I was listening to, but my soul was asking for something else. I’m glad I listened. I fumbled through some options and I felt like a spirit version of Goldie Locks and the 3 bears. “This podcast is too rough” “That book is too light” “That mental health walk was too hot.” Nothing was filling me and I felt *SOUL HUNGRY* The good news is, I’m stubborn thing. If I feel hungry, I’ll keep looking for food.
I had been avoiding an interview because I was worried it wouldn’t live up to my expectations of all the people involved and I didn’t want to be let down by people I respected and admired. It was kind of like knowing your favorite celebrity is going to be at the same place as you. Do you meet them and possibly break the illusion you have of them in your mind? Or do you just keep observing them from a distance and further cement your narrative about them in its safe place?
This was the first time I was going to HEAR one of my favorite authors “free speak” in interview form for hours…I decided to chance it. Because my heart felt hungry and this “might” do the trick.
I was speechless. Moved. Inspired.

A perfect moment that happens a 1 out of 100 perfect moments if you’re lucky. My heart feels happy. I’ll go finish that podcast about psychopaths another day. 😉

5-15-22: I get the hardest, most raw and unfiltered parts of my children. This is the shadow side of being a mother. Talk to many moms and they will instantly know what you’re saying. Talk to dads and this will more than likely be a new thought for them or have one or two stories attached to try and relate. (Sorry not sorry) Ok. Time for my perfect moment. What a build up right? 😉 I had a really good breakthrough with my most explosive child today! It felt amazing. I have been diligently experimenting and learning about more tools to regulate emotions and one of them finally freaking clicked for my child who HATES BREATH WORK, hugs, going outside, moving their body when upset, fidgets, work, animals, a hug, a nap, quiet, art, screaming into a pillow, etc. When they are dis regulated. Parenting these kiddos is SUCH an opportunity for me to learn things I wouldn’t dream up before them. Watching my child remember an alternative way to express the negative emotion that wouldn’t be toxic for everyone today was my perfect moment. We might be getting somewhere here! *check back in tomorrow though*

5-14-22: I’m convinced the only pleasant way to clean with children is by BLASTING great music while doing it! Today. We did a 4 song clean up of the house (4 songs working our fastest and we’re done) The dancing was fun, the combined teamwork of working together was nice and jeez……. I like seeing the floor again! That’s my perfect moment today. It was a buzz of harmony and effort and I loved it!

5-13-22: OH MY GOSH! Another day to celebrate just the sheer fact that I had EXACTLY as much energy as was required for me to have! Even when something very taxing happened today, I had “just” enough for it to handle it with some level of internal humor at the absurdity of it and external response that was productive! WAHOO FOR ENERGY! The irony is that after hours of writing today, some cleaning, child rearing, scheduling, posting, socializing, moving my body, feeding, emailing, and consuming data… I’m now perfectly exhausted. I’m floating into tonight’s dock totally depleted but… I WAS ABLE to show up for everyting that was required of me. And each time it happened I’d think: “whoa! I had energy for that!” *perfect moment* Halle-freggin-lulah!

5-12-22: Today was a perfectly “lovely” day. It was normal(ish) and I had some moments where I laughed and other moments when I was frustrated. My perfect moment is one that I had to think about for today. It was FLEETINGLY fast (is fleetingly a word?) I caught my kid looking at me like this while I was telling them a story and it MELTED me in the moment… but like only for a QUICK moment. I kind of wish I was more “present” today so I could’ve soaked that feeling up longer. It happened. I felt it. But it was a total “flash in the pan” kind of perfect moment for me. (I’m a lucky momma)

5-11-22: When is the last time you played chase/tag? My answer is- tonight 🙂 it was a bubbling of togetherness at dinner, which naturally lead into some chat, and before I knew it I was running away and screaming from 3 small and mischievous kids! It was so fun! I felt so young! We all laughed, hugged, tickled and screamed while running around the house 🙂 so funny and so fun! A happy perfect moment for sure 🙂

5-10-22: While eating dinner in the van with my girls today (rare and random but stay with me) Lily and I got Charlie to belly laugh…. And OH WHAT A LAUGH that little one has! I got a little of it on video. I felt the rest. It feels like freaking magic listening to the sound of her laughter. It is whatever the good version of kryptonite is for Superman. I LOVE that sound ❤️

5-9-22: no matter how cool adult humans strive to be in the social dynamic of their culture… the inner child remains. Mine likes to play, make myself and others laugh, and is not embarrassed easily. I was able to tap into that happy not cool inner child and play yesterday and put it out publicly. I felt free. I honored that little goofball that still lives in me and it felt perfect 🙂

5-8-22: Last Mother’s Day was brutal (2021). This mothers day? WAS SO GOOD. That alone is something to celebrate! But I’ll be specific because this is the “perfect MOMENT” platform, not the “overall gauge of the day” platform. So I’ll pick this one. 🙂 the gift my kids and my exes girlfriend made me. It was a 3 part canvas with “mom” painted in rainbow. The “O” was all three of their handprints overlapped. I can’t believe a tacky gift from my kids *the most classic of all Mother’s Day gifts* had me feeling so many feelings. It was so cliche and tender….and I’m hanging it up first thing tomorrow ❤️

5-7-22: I got an unexpected gift today for mothers day tomorrow. It was a 3 canvas set of my 3 kids in black and white. I was so moved, to tears at a public restaurant. Lucky me. To be loved, and to be able to love those babies so much that a canvas of each of them would move me so. ❤️

5-6-22: Imagine this… two moms in their thirties, hanging out, playing a video game! It was SOOOO funny! We were laughing so hard! At one part of the game my best friend and I started riffing and I was scream laughing. Perfect laugh moments are my FAVORITES. It was so fun. It is now also really tempting to get a twitch account just so y’all could hear how funny she is. It would be a gift to the world I’m telling ya!

5-5-22: There was something about my kids smiling eyes today. I couldn’t help but keep noticing how freaking pure they were. I looked at their smiling eyes as they played together before bed and felt like: “this is better than the movies, and I’m the only one seeing it.” It felt sacred. They seemed too good for this world. Now they are all sleeping in moms bed. I’ll HAPPILY sleep in the reading chair tonight envisioning their smiling eyes tonight. So full of joy. So freaking pure.

5-4-22: y’all…. I CANNOT get enough of the rain! I’m telling you! I LOVE a rainy day and we have had like a rainy/cloudy WEEK! It’s been glorious. I stood in my backyard in it. I soaked it up. I heard the thunder rumble like natures first subwoofer. I watched the sky light up like the earths first rock concert. I felt the wind blow and bring the smell of summer showers and I felt the tiny droplets begin to fall in the already perfectly humid air. I was in my own kind of heaven. It was freaking perfect.

5-3-22: I had an “up day” today and let me tell you…. WE CELEBRATE up days over here in my neck of the woods! My kids bad moods didn’t phase me, I stayed awake all day (no depressy naps) I had a lot of creative expression I was able to get out, AND I talked to multiple people I loved! (Aka today was “a lot of perfect moments day”)
I’m going to be choosy and pick just one that no one else but me witnessed. *inside scoop*
I took an hour and a half today to record stories from my marriage so “I” could hear them. For me. For my healing. When I was done telling them to the phone, I saved them in a folder and put it away. Getting it out helped me feel like I was going to be ok in a “taking back control of the narrative” kind of way. They never need to be seen by another person. I have experienced the power of recording (not just writing) some stories that matter to me. It was a “experimental practice” for my heart. Which created the perfect moment I truly NEEDED today.

5-2-22: Today I played the piano all in my feels and it felt SO good! Finally I’m getting “ever so slightly” better at playing and singing at the same time. There is this new Billie Eilish song that I’m kind of obsessed with so I played and sang… imperfectly but with feeling 😉 That did the trick. Perfect moment worth remembering. Thanks music.

5-1-22: Have you ever seen dragon ball z? (This is a stretch. It’s very niche) but essentially it is a cartoon I used to watch as a kid where like 20 of the 25 episodes the main character is just preparing for an epic battle. They create these power balls and unleash them the last 5 episodes of the season (lol)
Here’s the parallel. 👇
I wrote a poem today that felt like a season of dragon ball z. I have been building thoughts and feelings like a powerball of energy and in (no joke) 8 min I wrote one of my favorite poems yet. That kind of writing feels electric to me. Its one of my favorite feelings. Creative release. My perfect moment.

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