“This… is gonna suck.” I thought to myself while I poured out my favorite wine into the kitchen sink. Alone. With no one to tell me I “ought to,” and no one to judge if I had just decided to“finish it off” instead.
I took this video last year for the sole purpose of accountability to the few friends that I still talked to. (post separation from my husband) I knew I would need to give them evidence to keep me honest, and make me do what I felt was smartest, kindest, and healthiest for me at the time.
It’s rarely admitted that wine TASTES better and FEELS better when you have fresh rough edges to “soften.” Being a single momma of 3 young kids, and working through divorcing who I thought was the love of my life, and someone I still very much LOVE, was PLENTY of reason to want to “wine down” every chance I could. This is why I didn’t. But GOD, did I want to.
Everyone’s relationship to alcohol and substances is their own quest. I don’t hold condemnation for others stances. My issue with alcohol in particular however was two fold.
1) I have PLENTY of rough edges I want softened… meaning. I’ll never run out of excuses to drink, and one will not soften the types of edges I want to feel less sharply. 2) Addiction, runs rampant in my family line. On both sides. Why would “I” be any better resisting when I have similar tendencies like they do?
Once I felt the sting of how hard it was to get rid of that bottles remains… I had my answer for what was best for me.
So deciding to “cope differently” to get “different results” I started to channel my energy, emotions, and time into a few very simple things I considered “healthy” and worthwhile. Instead of getting drunk on my weekends without kids and crying in my bathtub…I sat and moped for a few min. *still cried in the tub* Gathered my wits, and did things like write this poem instead.
“It’s runs in the family, so I’m running away.
An orphan by choice, pioneering today.
How to handle the feelings, the hurt and the pain-
Smarter. Kinder. And Healthy. A new track for this train.
Sober for life, for my life needs me sober.
Genetics want me to give in and take over.
I choose to be, so who come after me,
Will have new options than those previously.
The new path will be rough-
Overgrown, filled with stuff.
At first I’ll go slow, baby steps till I know…
How to sift through the gold and the fluff.
Then give me some gloves, a wheelbarrow and plow.
The best time to start, I’ve heard, is right now.
Surveying the landscape of this life with a guide
Of those who have done it, and those who have tried.
I’ll follow inner knowing, and not give up till I have died.
—The debris is cleared out, and it’s time to start treading.
Looking back on old ways, but never regretting.
To the trenches I lived in before.
Fill them up with each pass that I pour-
out my hopes and my dreams,
and my new laid out schemes,
to be walking those trenches no more.
My hope is the hundreds of miles I have stepped.
Over thousands of hours where I openly wept.
That some can now follow the new trail I have laid…
Especially those little ones, the ones I have made.”
Love in. Love out sweet thing. 💕