Sober

“This… is gonna suck.” I thought to myself while I poured out my favorite wine into the kitchen sink. Alone. With no one to tell me I “ought to,” and no one to judge if I had just decided to“finish it off” instead.

I took this video last year for the sole purpose of accountability to the few friends that I still talked to. (post separation from my husband) I knew I would need to give them evidence to keep me honest, and make me do what I felt was smartest, kindest, and healthiest for me at the time.

It’s rarely admitted that wine TASTES better and FEELS better when you have fresh rough edges to “soften.” Being a single momma of 3 young kids, and working through divorcing who I thought was the love of my life, and someone I still very much LOVE, was PLENTY of reason to want to “wine down” every chance I could. This is why I didn’t. But GOD, did I want to.

Everyone’s relationship to alcohol and substances is their own quest. I don’t hold condemnation for others stances. My issue with alcohol in particular however was two fold.

1) I have PLENTY of rough edges I want softened… meaning. I’ll never run out of excuses to drink, and one will not soften the types of edges I want to feel less sharply. 2) Addiction, runs rampant in my family line. On both sides. Why would “I” be any better resisting when I have similar tendencies like they do?

Once I felt the sting of how hard it was to get rid of that bottles remains… I had my answer for what was best for me.

So deciding to “cope differently” to get “different results” I started to channel my energy, emotions, and time into a few very simple things I considered “healthy” and worthwhile. Instead of getting drunk on my weekends without kids and crying in my bathtub…I sat and moped for a few min. *still cried in the tub* Gathered my wits, and did things like write this poem instead.

SOBER:

It’s runs in the family, so I’m running away.

An orphan by choice, pioneering today.

How to handle the feelings, the hurt and the pain-

Smarter. Kinder. And Healthy. A new track for this train.

Sober for life, for my life needs me sober.

Genetics want me to give in and take over.

I choose to be, so who come after me,

Will have new options than those previously.

The new path will be rough-

Overgrown, filled with stuff.

At first I’ll go slow, baby steps till I know…

How to sift through the gold and the fluff.

Then give me some gloves, a wheelbarrow and plow.

The best time to start, I’ve heard, is right now.

Surveying the landscape of this life with a guide

Of those who have done it, and those who have tried.

I’ll follow inner knowing, and not give up till I have died.

—The debris is cleared out, and it’s time to start treading.

Looking back on old ways, but never regretting.

To the trenches I lived in before.

Fill them up with each pass that I pour-

out my hopes and my dreams,

and my new laid out schemes,

to be walking those trenches no more.

My hope is the hundreds of miles I have stepped.

Over thousands of hours where I openly wept.

That some can now follow the new trail I have laid

Especially those little ones, the ones I have made.

Love in. Love out sweet thing. 💕

-Aubrey

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