Hard Things

“Cause we’re adventurers, and heartbreaks our map. A final destination, we lack. And we’ve stopped asking directions to place they’ve never been. And to be loved, we need to be known. We’ll finally find our way back home. And through the joy and pain that our lives bring… we can do hard things.”
—Tish Melton

“Our” 10 year wedding anniversary is happening next week. and although I’ve been working diligently on it for over 8 months… our divorce (my lawyer says) should be finalized either: the day before, of, or after “our 10th anniversary…”

TRUE. FREAKING. STORY.

Reality feels stranger than fiction this month.
Reality feels stranger than fiction this last year, lets not kid ourselves…. *Ok actually, reality has felt pretty strange for a few years.*

That snowball has just kept rolling in my life (in more noticeable ways) over the last 4 years. I’m MORE than ready for it to find an embankment so it can stop! Lol

I would love to just be “done” with some of the “snowball rolling things” so I can continue to piece together what remains, while continuing to clear out the stuff I want “gone gone gone” from my life.

I’m only slightly proud that I am able to still write about it without needing so many years of “moving on” behind me. I still have strong feelings, and one of the hardest things for me has been “where” to channel those strong feelings, and how.

These are the 10 other ways I channeled my feelings this last year *instead of y’all having to read some pretty epic ranting/venting.* 😉

1- I have some AMAZING friends and sisters. (I’m putting them number one. They so deserve this slot)

2- My therapist has earned her pay… lol

3- I have assembled all the furniture and fixings in my home in a cathartic outpouring of emotional energy.

4- I have done lawn work like a professional landscaper because I didn’t have the fortitude to go “far” but I knew I needed to go outside and move my body. (My lawn and plants look pretty good if I do say so myself ;))

5- I have read SO many books over this last year. SO. MANY. BOOKS. No you guys… SO MANY BOOKS lol

6- I have written SO MANY poems, essays and journal entries over the last year. This is one of my most raw outlets.

7- I have fallen in love with music again. I dance in my living room and kitchen again. I sing at home again. There have been times I “make” myself dance for 30 seconds to up my mood like medicine. I can’t believe it works but it does.

8- I have “detoxed” from unhealthy people/things. They were like slow I.V. drips of poison that I didn’t realize hurt me so much. I had grown accustomed to it. It never happens all at once. It is almost always the “boiling a frog” analogy when it comes to toxic people and toxic things.

9- I have watched some INCREDIBLE movies. Like: “where have you been hiding” kind of good. Same with some T.V. Shows. I never had time to really watch. Now I’ve made a lot of my nights be “media nights.”

10- I’ve made myself try new things, and meet new people, and make memories. (Comedy shows, trips, outdoor adventures, concerts, dinners…even boating! Etc.)

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I do other “stupid healthy things” for my “stupid mental health.” I wont list all of those here though. (Maybe another time) 😉

What are your outlets?

If there is one thing I’ve learned this year that ought to be put in “bold header format” it is this.

You cannot hide anything. It always comes out. Eventually, all at once, in pieces…but it will come out.

How arrogant of us to think we can hold in all of the pain. How naive of us to think others cannot “sense something” off with us. How isolated we become if we keep our “secrets” inside of us. How much more do actions TRULY speak than words. How completely ignorant we can become when flooded with emotions. How important then is it to have some safe, healthy and multifaceted outlets for us when we are flooded…

I didn’t want to get physically sick from holding it in, or releasing it in unhealthy ways. I didn’t want to get emotionally bitter and sick. (A much more pernicious danger)

I didn’t want to become a perpetual bleeder. Who talks about the wounds and keeps reopening them.
I genuinely want to heal. See the doctors. Pay the bills. To take my medicine. Rewrap my wounds. Drain the bad stuff, clean the area, and graft on new skin.

It has been PAIN and rough edges.
It has been slow and annoying.
It has been overwhelming and stressful and above all other words…

RIDICULOUSLY HARD.

I “get” Glennon Doyle though when she quotes time and time again: “We can do hard things”

I get her.

I have done hard things in my life MUCH more than once.
I have done them in hard ways, in ignorant ways, in unhealthy ways…
NO MORE OF THAT THOUGH!

We really “can” do hard things. Lets keep trying to do them “healthy” and with minimum damage or regret.

Let’s see what happens when we do hard things in the hardest way I’ve tried so far in life…

Smart(ly) Healthy(ish) and Kind(a) full of Love(s)

I’ll keep letting you know how it goes.
But first I gotta go get divorced real quick…

Love in.

Love out.

-Aubrey