…Processing…

“Everything is an experiment.”
― Tibor Kalman

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, hoever, turns out to be not a state but a process.”
― C.S. Lewis

I used to ride my cruiser bicycle up the biggest hill my small town had, to get to the public library. I did this ALMOST everyday for years. Riding home, down that hill, with new books in tow was… euphoric. (That downhill coast home, hair blowing behind me, no hands on the handlebars… only aided in developing my love of reading and libraries.)

One year the library got “new computers.” They were INCREDIBLE!

REAL. DELL. DESKTOPS!

I used babysitting money to buy an extra pass each month for the computer lab. I thought: This is the BEST purchase I could possibly make.

I remember just “exploring” the *library approved* internet. I remember in between “page loading” I would just look around at others. Or I’d go get a drink of water, use the restroom, but most often I would just sit and watch the wheel (fill or spin)

THE PATIENCE!?!

Do you remember how LONG it took for things to load back in 2002!!!

But I didn’t care. I was so happy to be at that computer. Asking Jeeves, Playing with the paint program, or pinball game. Logging in to check my email, and draft up a response to my friend – who I had “just” seen hours before in math class.

I was just SO happy I could be at that computer. Processing all it had to offer. Letting it process at whatever rate it could. In awe. In gratitude. With joy and anticipation.

If you were to go from the electronic device you are reading this from to that 2002 computer….
Would you even have the patience to read this post?
How would YOU feel?

Whatever you came up with (above) is probably something I can relate with. Why? Well because I currently feel like in some ways I am operating at 2002 Dell Desktop processing speeds.

And… It. Is. Frustrating. (To put it mildly)

I’ll explain.

Today, while feeling particularly bogged down about some things, I decided to reflect back on some of my old journal entries. I know. Dangerous.

The journal entries from last year around this time caused me to pause. I found a theme from the first couple of months “on my own again.”

I was VERY interested in making sure my marriage being over did NOT take my ability to trust again with it.
I wanted desperately to be able to trust still. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. But I was determined.
I remembered what it was like to lose my trust in humanity for awhile as a teenager. It was a type of lonely I knew I couldn’t afford to be this time around the block.

Something in me was VERY determined not to open up irresponsibly OR close up to the world. I didn’t want to swing to any extreme. I was hyper vigilant about this.

This was HARD to do. (Again to put it mildly)
Hard has not held me back before in doing what I thought was best… So I just baby stepped. Weeks of worry. Holding on to little strands of what I still knew.

-I love my kids
-I have a really good best friend
-I have survived hard things before. I can do this.

Everything else was left to “fate.”

I kept looking. I kept reading. I joined online therapy groups for women in my situation. I confided fully in my journal, my bathtub, and to my therapist. (Never at the same time ;)) I didn’t want my message to be so messy on social media, so I stayed relatively quiet. I didn’t’ know how to report in the middle of the tornado. I just had to survive it. I knew I was in an altered state of reality myself. I wasn’t interested in “sharing” that with anyone…

…and yet I wanted deeply to be seen.

*Enter Dr. Brene Brown*
Probably the ONLY good thing I got out of one of my women groups, was this 9 min video where Dr. Brown explained the freaking formula for trust.

She calls it “B.R.A.V.I.N.G.”

LIGHTBULB!

Do you know the formula?

Did you know I apply this to myself to make sure I am a trustworthy person?

You don’t need another soul to have trust. Isn’t that wild?

I think you DO need trust to have some footing in this world.
I desperately needed footing.

Thank all the Gods for Dr. Brene Browns work on trust

In summary “BRAVING” stands for:

B. Boundaries

R. Reliability

A. Accountability

V. Vault

I. Integrity

N. Non-Judgment

G. Generosity.

You know what? I’m just going to attach the clip for you to watch at the bottom of this post.
It was 9 min that changed my life. I hope you give it a shot. 🙂

I now use these points as BASIC characteristics my friends need to have to be in my inner circle.

These words and their definitions keep “me” in check with how high or low my character attribute of “trustworthiness” is.

It’s not “EVERYTHING” but it for SURE is a Golden Nugget! (not just a gold fleck) So of COURSE I’m going to share it!

Are you a trustworthy person?

Have you been “BRAVING” in your relationships with you partner/friends/children/etc?

Do you feel you have someone who has all of these attributes?

I see myself today. Still full of pain to process.
Still lacking in “old Aubrey levels” of capacity in some areas.
But I can trust some people with more surety.

I have also let go of untrustworthy people and lightened my emotional load.

I have become more impeccable with my word. I have become more trustworthy. I have been “B.R.A.V.I.N.G.” and I have had failures and setbacks. Hard ones.

I have had a few “wolf in sheeps clothing” try and capitalize on my fresh wounded state. I have exposed them by using B.R.A.V.I.N.G. as my barometer.
Also by using some other truths I’ve learned *about listening to your gut and checking how you feel before, during and after associating with that person…etc.

Most days I still feel like the old Dell computer at the public library back in 2002.
I’m trying to remember (like today for example) in between the slow page loading of my pains processor…
I can go get a drink of water, I can look around and take in the beauty of my environment, or I can play a metaphorical “preprogrammed game” for a little bit and (It’s not gonna hurt anything)

Am I still dealing with frustration at how SLOW this is all taking? Sure. I’m used to my 2019,20,21 speeds… But that Aubrey doesn’t exist anymore. I simply do not wake up with the same capacity in the same arenas these days. A truth that is REALLY bizarre to me still.

I am just working with what I’ve got. I’m “Asking Jeeves,” but I’m trying to also enjoy living between the pages loading still.

Slow. Overheating at times…but still processing…

Love in.

Love out.

-Aubrey