Single Lady

“There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.”
― Judith Martin

Isn’t that quote above just SO true! “UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES CAN THE FOOD BE OMITTED.”

With THAT said…

Dating “post” a 9 year exhausting marriage is a THING.
Dating women after being with a man for so many years… is a BIG thing.
Dating now with a different level of sexual experience and ethical code since the last time I was “available”… is a thing.
Dating while a single parent… is a thing.
Dating while rebuilding a new life and starting a career pursuit… is a thing.

Being single after having sex regularly… is a thing. *I hate it* lol
Being single after sharing your decisions, duties, and home… is a thing.
Being single with three young children is a BIG thing.
Being single and financially responsible for your household is a thing.
Being single with an online helping of humans to “match” with…is a thing.



My close friends might joke and say “there is a lot going on inside of you Aubrey” but I am still, just ONE HUMAN PERSON.
*i think* 😉

For now, I am finding most days 👆 are still TOO MANY THINGS for my one person person to manage and navigate.

BUMMER isn’t strong enough. But it is what it is.


I tried dating. I did.
She was INCREDIBLE. We are still on good terms (in large part to her understanding, communication skills, emotional maturity, and kind nature)



I
just…
…couldn’t.




It’s almost like my transmission blew out while I was cruising on a highway. One minute I’m going 70mph, enjoying the ride. The next? ENGINE FAILURE. BLOW OUT. Pull over.

Or like those dreams where you are running, but you can only run in slow motion.


FRUSTRATING.


“If you desire healing,
let yourself fall ill
let yourself fall ill.”

― Rumi

Ok Rumi… Cool quote bro. CHECK. Been there. Done that.

My hair has fallen out,
My skin has changed,
My stomach and digestion are NOT the same,
My immune system seems to be weaker because I catch everything,
My weight has fluctuated between 10 lbs give or take in both directions, My sleep suffered (I either couldn’t sleep at all, or I couldn’t get enough)
My appetite? WHAT even is that! Food just became “to stay alive.”
My emotions were EVERYWHERE for months. Just chaotically not in their normal places or normal volumes.
Ex: I would feel these SURGES of anger consume me and have to go just rake the leaves in the yard until my hands bled. *graphic, but true* the next day I would feel so dissociative and would catch myself staring blankly out the window…so checked “out” of my body for the stretches of time I was not needed by my children.

When people asked me “how are you doing?” The first 6 months of my divorce process I would answer: “I’m doing the same as how I tell my kids to brush each one of their teeth… Up, down, side to side, circles all around.”

This was my semi humorous response to reveal in a palatable way how I was all over the place, and aware.

I would also say: “I’m doing good (as in good things literally) I’m FEELING it all.”

I found that having honest preloaded responses was my get out of jail free card in any social interaction.


Ok. So I’m not “there” 👆anymore. *yay*

But “Where” am I?


If someone I don’t talk to regularly were to ask me: “How have you been Aubrey?”

I still feel like I need a new scripted answer.

Maybe something like: “I’m still here!” *said with a smile*

Or: “Just learning A LOT, leaning into it all, and stepping!”

Maybe I’ll go with those. Maybe you’ll hear it if we interact. I really mean those lines. I give you full permission to be curious and ask what I’m learning about. I’d love to talk about that! You also have full permission to celebrate my sobriety with me. Because somehow I’ve managed to not uncork a single wine bottle since deciding it was not a healthy, smart or kind thing to do for me right now.

But ask me about romantic endeavors post *the last romantic endeavor you saw of mine which fell to pieces*-
And you’ll probably get my sad eyes. I’ll try to fake it and act like it’s ok because logically I KNOW it is. In fact, it might just be EXACTLY what I need. But also…

I am a lover at my core. I love hard. I love real. I love despite flaws. I love loving. I’m mushy, and sweet, and interested. I like to think of myself as fairly fluent in the 5 love languages. I think I am a good partner at my core. I think I have the qualities needed to have a healthy fire burning in a relationship… of romance, of friendship, of honesty, of communication…*and all the other healthy “ish” that keeps the fire going ;)*


I just still can’t seem to have enough lumber for all of my already pre-existing fireplaces…. Let alone a WHOLE other human one!

I wrote a poem about this. It’s short. It’s incredibly accurate.


Capacity

Capacity and Desire.
One is wood, the other fire.
A spark of interest lights me up,
and I begin to burn.
but what at first a rage of flame-
to ash will soon return.
If I do not feed it fuel and lumber.
This raging fire, will cool and slumber.


My desire is VERY much there.
Parts of me are in pain for not having a romantic love to share life with.

I want to be running. I just feel like I’m still in that invisible dream state where I can’t go any faster.

I want to drive with the windows down in the car, music playing, look over and see them, smiling back at me with their eyes, lips and heart and us be perfectly content with our little life….But my transmission is shotty still and I’m looking for replacement parts to my own car while having to do most of the mechanical fixing of “said metaphorical car.”


I’m not exactly sure why I’m sharing this today. I was planning on writing about something TOTALLY different. But here we are!


Until further notice: Aubrey, party of 1… And also the thousands of you who read, watch or listen.

I love you for showing up in any capacity you do.
I know you’re a real human also. *I pay for the analytics to show me that* 🤓

Thank you for reading today,

Love in.

Love out sweet thing.

-Aubrey

3 thoughts on “Single Lady

  1. It’s your journey, whatever feels right to you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I read this to my partner. She said, “it sounds like she’s writing about you.”
    Haha!
    My life’s rules have change in that they are more conducive to me being more true to myself, and not some coercive external set of rules meant to mold me into a (my group’s) conformist. And my partner is much more in tune with who I am that it’s much easier to be happy as just being myself.
    As I have worked out my “party of 1” into a “party of 2” here in New Orleans, I relate to what you’ve been going through.
    You’re on your journey.
    I’ve found that it’s a ride not meant to be taken alone. And I hope with all my heart that you find that partner.
    As you give that “Love out”, I take that “Love in”.

    Like

    1. I absolutely adore you. Your comments are so thoughtful, poignant and very parallel to me for sure. What a wild gorgeous world to find each other, while still not knowing what we even look like. There is a word for this. I believe it is “Adronitis” we seem to have a connection that resonates with that 🙂 be good to yourself thank you for sending your love back!

      Like

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