Definitively Infinately Indefinite

“There are many sayings of things that are seen and unseen, but fewer still are those that speak of those many gray in-betweens.”
― Reena Doss

Jeez y’all. Have you been noticing how many ANSWERS people have! It’s ASTOUNDING… borderline comical.

When I hear peoples “answers” nowadays I take it almost like their “song.” A song they have learned, and now sing, and share. It is an expression of pieces of their beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. Another track of “hits” they have accepted to their limited playlist that is their brain.

Sometimes I literally “WATCH” people metaphorically “singing a track”

It’s so meta. My being starts to think things like:

whoa… you are saying this with so much emotion and I have NO IDEA how much time you’ve been mulling this over? how much time you’ve spent learning about this? how deep your knowledge base on the topic goes? if this is the first time you’re outloud(ing) it? or if its something you’ve been saying for years? How sure are you about what you are saying? Like 10% or 100%? When is the last time you’ve challenged this thought- because DANG! That’s a STRONG statement and position to have. What led you to land here? Tell me more!


My curiosity is NOT often welcomed. I can play the conversation “light” and just listen to them “sing” while I nod my head to the rhythm of their verses and smile in approval affirming what they already believe which is: “this is a catchy tune!”

But a lot of times what I want to do is listen…and then start breaking down the song with them… enthusiastically (is the word I’d choose) I think some would choose surgically!
Most people seem to be like: “Can you just let me have my song and sing it?!? I don’t want to talk about the song. I just want to sing it and for you to clap afterwards. I like it, and I’m good at singing it, and it soothes me.”

Valid. Ok. Got it. I’ll respect it.
ALSO.
I am just NOT that kind of person.

This is why I titled this “Definitively infinitely indefinite”

I think that describes me pretty well. *ha. The irony that I said: “I think” rather than a definitive “THIS DESCRIBES ME!”* (I’m leaving that in)

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Being indefinite does not make one indecisive I’m learning.
I am not indecisive.

I am just not a: “AND THUS, THIS IS TRUE SAYETH I” about too many things.

If you ask me: do you want tacos or a burrito… I’ll tell ya.
If you ask me: What your type is in a romantic partner. I’ll have some descriptive words (but we’re starting to get a little fuzzier)
If you ask me: “So and so’s marriage is falling apart. What do you think happened? Who’s to blame?” I am going to be SOOOOO SLOW to state even where I “lean” because this is some nuanced stuff with lots of moving variables and also… why does it matter which “side” I am on! *I digress*

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ANOTHER reason why I am definitely not as definitive as some seem to be…. It’s what I call “The damn false binary premise” in conversations.

I hate a false binary premise.
If I could change the wording for one of the most basic thought experiment Question formulas- I would change it from:
“This or that?”
To:
“This or that OR…???”
and give room for their imagination to problem solve or come up with some creative alternative beyond the binary “This or That.”

I was BORN into a culture that said: This or That. For us or Against us. Right or wrong. Good or bad…. And you know what? I just freaking love the grey ok!
I find it SO infinitely interesting!!!!

Talking about the binary of things using a Yin Yang symbol is SO ethically philosophical and can be really stimulating! I have just found through a fair amount of experience that these conversations QUICKLY funnel into some basic formulas of myths and stories and codes the person is believing. Those pre-laid structures seem to govern the majority of what they have to say about the “white from the black” of things.

I want to talk about the “white and the black” themes of “your song” and discuss the music theory behind it. Why you like that tune, why it suits you, how it helps you, why you want to share it, what would you’re life be like without it, etc etc etc.

But most people. Seem to just want to sing the cover of a well known track and show how “their spin” on it now makes it part of their album of hits also.

I REALLY like looking at the MUSIC of life any chance I can. I like seeing why certain people choose certain tracks to add to their collection while others listen and share totally different ones. I’m so interested in the different genres of beliefs people vibe with and why.

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This analogy made SO much sense to me when I said it a few years ago. It still feels true.
If today was like Rome and its peak economy, and the masses are collecting in the coliseums to watch the battles, pay tribute to the parliament, and entertain their carnal and human selves in a communal way…I have ALWAYS felt like the girl in the shadows. I am not nobility, but I am not in the crowd. I am watching. A part of, but somehow not. Zoomed out in focus. Most everyone is watching the match, and I am watching them. I am in awe. Marveling at the spectacle of it all.

Essentially…Zooming out is my “jam!”

Sure… I am probably obnoxious when someone wants a simple social jam session, but I cannot be so definitive about many things because I just am not SURE. and I DONT KNOW, and I’M STILL LEARNING.

I will say phrases like: “I think for now this is making the most sense…. Blah blah blah” and it works 80% of the time.

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I think it comes down to this. There is A LOT of grey in this “black and white” “good and bad” “right and wrong” binary world we live in.

I really like it all. It is all music to me.
It is adventure and curiosities daily buffet.
It is truly *as I quoted in a previous entry* DELICIOUS AMBIGUITY.

This is why dear reader, you just wont find me “knowing” a lot of stuff.
I’m so much happier this way. I get to look at reality everyday and say: What the F is up!?! Time to keep learning something new, chasing whatever feels warm, and doing whatever seems healthy and smart and kind (as best I know for now until I know better) on this big science experiment that is my life!

I want to know. I long to know. I quest daily to “figure stuff out” but that questing and questioning makes me so much happier than subscribing to someone else’s package of: “this is what’s up!”

Because honestly… A LOT *understatement* of people say: “This is what’s up! Follow me! Join me! Pay me! Love me! Serve me! Come with me! Need me!”

I just wanna smile (back away slowly) and say: “nah. I think I’m good.”

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Until next time sweet thing,

I do declare!

Love in.

Love out.

-Aubrey


p.s. I came up with a new “yinyang” sign that makes more sense to me but I can’t draw it as well as some of you might be able to so hit me up if you’re an artist! I’ve got an idea! 🙂